


Just As You Are

by BluebeardsWife



Series: Isak and Even: Minute by Minute [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Ideation, allusions to sex but not explicit, lots of angst and fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-07 00:22:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8775760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluebeardsWife/pseuds/BluebeardsWife
Summary: This is a retelling of the events of season 3 from Even's point of view. Each chapter will be one episode (so some will be very short!). Episodes 9 and 10 have not yet aired at this time, so there may be inconsistencies there later. That said, if they don't get a happy ending on the show, they sure as hell will here.ETA: I'm so glad this won't have to be a fix-it fic, and also that my reading of Even's character aligns almost perfectly with episodes 9 and 10.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers:  
> 1\. This is my take on Even's character, and I am not claiming it is the "right" take or the only way to read him.  
> 2\. Since the characters are underage (and I am not!), I do not intend to write any smut here, but there will probably be some general mentions of sexual activity - think of it as a blurry watercolor of a smutty scene.  
> 3\. I am relying on subtitles by various Norwegian-speaking fans (thank you all so much!) here, so it is possible that some things may have been lost in translation.

**MONDAY**

Even put on his best listening face as he tried to remember the name of the blond girl who had cornered him in the cafeteria to talk chemistry. The teacher had made them work in pairs, and Even’s partner turned out to be an over-eager perfectionist. He was fine with letting her do most of the work. Chemistry wasn’t his thing anyway. He bounced a pen around in his fingers while waiting for her to finish the list of suggestions she had for their project. Out of the corner of his eye, he suddenly noticed that someone was watching him. Shifting his gaze toward a table across the room, where four second-year boys were seated, Even looked directly into the green eyes of a boy of about 16 or 17.

The speed with which the boy averted his eyes and nervously shifted his attention back to his friends only betrayed that he had indeed been staring. Like his friends - and so many guys their age - the starer’s outfit suggested that he had casually rolled out of bed and come to school without a thought about his appearance. Even imagined that, like for most guys their age, this was not, in fact, the case. Regardless, that was certainly not Even's style. He liked putting effort into his appearance. He had probably spent twenty minutes that morning making sure his hair looked just so. 

Still, there was something intriguing about this one. His casually-disheveled hair peeked out from under his backwards baseball cap in blond ringlets that gave a softness to his otherwise chiseled face. Strong eyebrows framed his delicate eyes, and his plump lips were sharply defined by a prominent Cupid’s bow. Now it was Even who was staring, and he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away.

“Are you coming?”

His chemistry partner gestured to him as she turned to head to class. With a final glance at the starer, who was by that time being accosted by that theater girl about her “kose” group (as Even had been earlier), Even stood up and followed her.

Everyone knew each other at Even’s new school, so it wasn’t hard to find out that the boy’s name was Isak Valtersen. As Even had suspected, he was in his second year and rarely ventured outside of his social circle.

 

**FRIDAY**

SONJA

 

Even set the phone down for a moment before responding. He really just wanted to lie in his bed and listen to music all night. He considered telling Sonja that and chuckled. She would make a fuss and insist on coming over to make sure he was okay. Even appreciated Sonja looking after him, but sometimes a person just has to deal with his own shit.

 

 

 

Even knew he would have to actually go to the meeting now because he was bound to be grilled about it later. Sonja liked to know where he was at all times. He couldn’t blame her, considering some of the stunts he’d pulled in the past, but he needed a break. On the plus side, he thought to himself, maybe the cafeteria guy, Isak, would be there, since theater-girl seemed pretty intent on forcing as many people as possible to attend. He wasn’t sure what it was about Isak, but Even was quite curious to meet him, even if only to ask if he stares at other men often.

Even just barely made it to the meeting in time. He preferred not being early to things. He greeted the organizers and slowly scanned the room. Sure enough, his eyes were once again met with a quickly-averted gaze from Isak. Even suppressed a smile as he grabbed a roll and walked casually by Isak to sit behind him. He had had crushes on guys before, and they were always fun distractions when things got too serious with Sonja. He was good at flirting, and Sonja never seemed to notice when he flirted with men. Nothing ever came of it, but it allowed him a sense of freedom.

As he sat down, a very pretty, tall girl with short brown hair approached Isak. It was clear by her nervous giggle that Even had competition, but since he never intended for things to go beyond flirting anyway, that was fine by him. The group leader prattled on about some weird exercise of spreading love in pairs. As they all stood up, he glanced over at Isak. If they were going to be paired up, this was a perfect opportunity to meet the guy. However, before Even could approach him, Isak snuck out of the room, clearly not up for this nonsense. Well, fuck.

Shortly after surviving the love-game, Even went to the restroom down the hall, hoping to sneak off and smoke on his own afterward. He washed his hands, trying to come up with a reason why Isak would come to the meeting if he didn’t want to participate. He tried to imagine that there was a sinister plot on the way, but he simply couldn’t place Isak in a film-noir style world. He’d have to come up with a better-suited genre. Tragedy? Or a romantic comedy? He’ll figure it out.  

The door to the stall behind him opened, and to his surprise, Isak walked out. He started washing his hands awkwardly next to Even, not paying any attention to him.

 _So this is how we’re gonna play it?_ _Ok_ , Even thought, _I’ll lead_.

He walked over to the paper towel dispenser and casually pulled out tissue after tissue, feeling Isak’s eyes finally turn towards him. He made a bit of a display of making sure he got every last towel, pretending not to notice Isak’s bewildered glare. Slowly drying his hands and chin, he finally glanced over at Isak with feigned surprise.

“Oh, did you also need tissues?” He asked innocently.

Isak continued to stare at him blankly, mouth slightly ajar. Even loved it when people reacted well to his games. Carrying on as though there was nothing weird about the situation, Even put on a face of well-meaning concern, pulled out a slightly wrinkled but still dry tissue from the garbage can in front of him and handed it to Isak. Still frozen, Isak clenched it with his fist and looked up at Even. With a cocky smile and a quick raise of the eyebrows, which he knew worked on most people, Even took the joint that he had stashed behind his ear and, showing it to Isak, said, “Come outside.” It was not a question but a demand. He walked out nonchalantly, confident that Isak would follow.

As expected, by the time Even had sat down on the back of a bench outside the building and lit his joint, Isak joined him. Even couldn’t suppress a smile as he handed him the joint. With Isak sitting right next to him, however, he suddenly felt a bit nervous. He took the opportunity to examine Isak’s face from this closer vantage point, excited to finally talk to him, but Isak looked straight ahead as he took a hit, apparently unaffected by his presence.

“Do you know the group leader lady?” Even decided to start with casual conversation. Small talk, while not his favorite mode of communication, certainly had its place in getting to know a person.

“Vilde?” the corners of Isak’s lips turned downward when he smiled. “With the love exercise?”

“What was that?” Even asked, not taking his eyes off of Isak, who continued to pointedly look at the ground.

The warmth he felt at the sound of Isak’s hoarse laugh surprised him. Somehow he had imagined his voice would be different.

“No, I mean… I had to leave, I just couldn’t deal with that stuff,” Isak said. He seemed shy and quiet, but not unsure of himself.

“What happened?” he asked, still not looking at Even.

“She made us walk around,” Even started, determined to get Isak to look at him, “and feel each other up, in a dark room.”

It worked. Isak turned to face him with a concerned look on his face for a brief moment. Bolstered, Even kept going.

“And if you touched a dick,” he decided to really go there, looking intently at Isak, “you had to suck it.”

The momentary shock on Isak’s face was intensely gratifying, as Even waited for him to realize he was making shit up.

“No way?!” The corner of Isak’s lips twitched as he caught on and turned to look at Even for real this time.

“No.” Even laughed, satisfied that Isak was so easy to joke around with. His joy was dampened, however, by Isak’s return to staring at the ground silently. Even reached for the joint in Isak’s hand and put it between his lips. As he took a drag, he had the ridiculous thought that, by the transitive property, their lips had now touched.

The silence stretched between them for a moment before Isak asked what class Even was in, but just as they started having an actual conversation, passing the joint back and forth, the short-haired girl from before walked up to them, glancing nervously at Isak before greeting them. Ah, the competition was here.

As the girl stuttered about partnering up with Isak for the kose group, Even noticed the uneasy expression on Isak’s face. This was his chance to give him an out. To make him choose. Surely he would choose the pretty girl, but it was worth a shot anyway. He leaned over slightly, bumping his shoulder against Isak’s, “I thought we were in a group together?”

To his surprise, Isak said yes.

“I had kind of agreed to be in a group together with...” he continued, and Even waited to find out if he had learned his name as he had Isak’s. With an awkward cough - and a slight crush of Even’s heart - Isak dispelled that idea, repeating, “In a group with uh…”

“Even.” Even jumped in, extending his hand to the girl.

“Emma.” She said, clearly annoyed.

They hesitantly agreed to be in a group with the three of them together. As Emma decided to join them by sitting on the other side of Isak, the awkward tension became palpable, but Even found himself more contented than he’d felt in a while.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

**Friday**

Aside from a few stolen glances from afar at school, Even didn’t see Isak again all week. Since it was Friday, and there was no kose group meeting this week, he figured they wouldn’t see each other at all until the meeting the following weekend. He kinda liked the anticipation of it, especially since he had, once again, caught Isak staring at him earlier in the week.

As he got on the bus home from school, he looked forward to having the afternoon to himself. He would smoke some pot, maybe draw a little. Sonja didn’t like it when he smoked – so he didn’t do it around her. But she wasn’t coming over until later that evening, and he was free to enjoy his afternoon as he pleased. Leaning on a pole in the nearly empty bus, he looked out through the small glass panels of the doors, as the street dragged lazily past them. He liked looking at the world through frames. Small windows of moving objects were his favorite, because they allowed him to feel like he was in a movie. Except that he wasn’t even a character in it – he was the camera. He shifted the angle of his head until the framing of the street was just right. The bus slowed down to a stop – a slow-motion shot -  with the frame pausing directly on the face of none other than Isak Valtersen, in his red baseball cap and a hoodie, staring, as he so often did, downward.

Even inhaled sharply, startled by the serendipity of the moment. The door opened, and Isak walked in. He was looking at the phone in his hand, paying no attention to his surroundings. Still without looking up, he wrapped his hand around the same pole that Even was leaning on. Even watched him in silence for a moment, waiting for Isak to notice him, but whoever he was texting seemed to have all of Isak’s attention.

“Hello,” Even said finally, smiling at the startled look on Isak’s face. He was learning that Isak was difficult to read when he was aware of your presence, but incredibly transparent when he didn’t know anyone was looking. Isak glanced around nervously before greeting him back.

“Going home?” Even asked. He was determined to have a real one-on-one conversation. He decided to make it today’s mission.

“Yeah,” Isak glanced at him briefly. “You too?”

Even nodded quietly, amused by the way Isak couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off him when they weren’t interacting but appeared transfixed by the ground whenever he attempted to engage him in conversation.  He managed to catch his eye again for a brief moment, as Isak shot him a shy smile. Even had observed Isak talking with friends, so clearly, he was capable of holding a conversation, just apparently not with him. No matter, he wasn’t one to give up so easily.

“Awesome conversation,” he joked, hoping that pointing out the awkwardness would break the silence. Isak let out a small chuckle, but remained otherwise silent. Even wondered if maybe he _should_ give up on this particular pursuit.

“You… you’re 18, right?” Isak asked suddenly. _Finally!_   Even couldn’t hold back a smile as he nodded.

“Could you maybe buy some beer for me?” asked Isak.

The plan formed in Even’s head instantly. He agreed to get beer for his underage companion, and they got off the bus near Even’s place. Isak would have to wait outside the grocery store to avoid getting caught. Even browsed the store alone for a bit, dragging his fingers along the shelves. When he felt the appropriate amount of time had passed, he walked back out, empty handed.

“I forgot my ID,” he lied. “I have to go home and get it. Come on.”

The key to making people do what you want is acting like it's the most natural thing in the world. Isak followed him unquestioningly. 

They walked to Even’s apartment without saying much. Things were going according to plan, until, while pretending to search for his ID under his bed, Even suddenly realized that his plan had ended here. _What now?_   Isak’s continued silence wasn’t exactly making things easy. 

“Did you draw these?” Isak's voice brought on a sigh of relief. He was looking at the doodles adorning the wall.

“Yeah.” Even kept rummaging through his stuff, as though still looking for his ID.

“They’re good.” _Progress. Talking. This was good._

“Thanks.”  

“Really funny.”

“You think so?” _Compliments. Even better!_

“Mhmm.”

It was as though Even’s brain just needed that one little push to restore his confidence, and he knew exactly what to do.

“Here it is,” he said, picking up a pre-rolled joint from his desk. He didn't know much about Isak, but he did know that he liked weed and booze. 

“You found it?” Isak was still looking at the wall of drawings.

“No, but uh…” Even raised up the joint, waiting for Isak to look over. The smile that spread on Isak’s face was all the confirmation he needed.

 

They sat at the kitchen window and lit up the joint, passing it back and forth. Slowly, as the haze of the high started hitting them, conversation seemed easier – mostly because Isak actually started talking. He seemed to relax, looking over at Even more often, making jokes, and laughing that hoarse laugh of his, the sound of which alone was enough to put a grin on Even’s face. They talked about music and random things, finding they actually had a lot in common, and Even thought he could feel his chest get warmer every time their eyes met.

Up until now, Even had been drawn to Isak for his looks, or, not necessarily his looks but something about his way of being in the world. Everything about him seemed so paradoxical, simultaneously delicate and striking, melded together in an unexpectedly alluring way.  On first glance, Isak was no Channing Tatum, with his unruly hair and hunched shoulders, yet Even couldn’t keep his eyes off him. The more he looked, the more he realized how handsome he was, and the more they talked, the more fascinated Even became. Isak was not how Even had expected him to be. He was mostly shy and quiet, as he appeared, but he was also unpretentiously silly and could get quite loud when he felt like it. He exuded a kind of sharp softness, which didn't make any sense except that it was observable fact.

Time seemed to be punctured only by the irregular “dings” of Isak’s phone, which, to Even's delight, went ignored for quite a while. They spent maybe an hour (or two? three? It didn’t matter) at the window sill, and it felt like mere seconds, or maybe an eternity. Even had been aiming for a fun afternoon of awkward banter, but instead he felt more at home than he ever had before whenever Isak’s warm eyes met his. The thrill of an unspoken flirtation was slowly replaced by the quiet coziness of reconnecting with an old friend. He couldn’t be sure that the softness in Isak’s gaze was the affection that he now craved from him, but the mere possibility of it was exhilarating.

The doorbell rang, making Even’s heart sink. He had completely forgotten that Sonja was coming over at eight. Sonja, his girlfriend. He felt a stab of guilt, wondering how his casual dalliance had turned this intense in the span of one day.

Sonja, Elise, and Eskil walked in, and Even could barely bring himself to look at Isak as he introduced them. He attempted to compensate for his internal transgression by being overly affectionate with Sonja. Isak left a bit awkwardly shortly after that, and Even assured himself that he didn’t care, that it was just a good time, and that he was, as always, remaining faithful to Sonja.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**MONDAY**

Sonja spent the weekend at Even’s. They had somehow managed to get in a fight right before bed, so that morning she stomped around the apartment, shutting cabinet doors a little too hard and huffing a little too much. Even put on his denim jacket, but paused before opening the door.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I was so pissy last night,” he said.

It was true. Both that he was sorry and that he had been a dick. He wasn’t really sure why, but he had found every word that came out of Sonja’s mouth that night irritating and grating, and he kept snapping at her until she yelled at him.

She let out a long sigh while buttoning her coat.

“It’s fine,” she said with a small smile. “You’ll make it up to me.”

She reached for something from the shelf as Even opened the door for her.

“Where are they?” She spun slowly around, looking for something.

“What?”

“My keys.”

“Oh, I think I saw them in the kitchen earlier,” Even remembered. “I’ll go get them.”

He ran to the kitchen without bothering to take his shoes off.

 _Her keys were somewhere around…_ _here!_  

He picked up a set of keys from the counter and turned to go when he noticed a red baseball cap on the chair. It was Isak’s. He picked it up, turning it over in his hands before placing it on his head with a small smile.

“Ugh, what’s on your head?” Sonja made a face at him. “Is that yours?”

“Yeah,” Even said casually. “Don’t you like it?”

She stared at him for a moment, brows furrowed, and he laughed.

“Just kidding. I think Isak left it here.”

 

 

Still wearing the hat, Even spotted Isak at school a few hours later. He was surrounded by his three friends, as usual, and having an apparently serious conversation with the one with the eyebrows. This was as good a time as any to return the hat, but Even hesitated. He didn’t usually get nervous about talking to anyone. He didn’t particularly care what others thought. Sometimes he even enjoyed just fucking with people for kicks. But there was no denying that a little tremble went through him and his heart beat a little faster at the sight of Isak’s slender form leaning sideways against a well-lit window. There was something very _James Dean_ about him sitting like that, with an intense look on his face, loose T-shirt emphasizing his angular shoulders, and the light from the window enveloping him in a soft glow. He really was hot.

Even took a deep breath and walked over as casually as he possibly could.

“Hello,” he said, ignoring the fact that Isak was mid-conversation, as he took off the baseball cap and tossed it in his lap. “You forgot this on Friday.”

Isak and his friends all stared at him blankly.

“It’s yours?” Even asked, confused by Isak’s reaction. Was there something weird about leaving a hat at a friend’s house? Isak looked like a deer in headlights, eyes wide open, mouth ajar.

“I think that’s mine,” eyebrow-guy said tentatively.

“Forgot where?” asked one of the others.

By the look on Isak’s face, Even suddenly realized that his friends - the same friends that he spent all his free time with and had texted with that very afternoon -  didn’t know where he had spent Friday evening.

“In the cafeteria,” he lied simply and walked off with a brief glance at Isak.

 _Why wouldn’t his friends know? Was he not allowed to see other friends?_   He scoffed. _Were the four of them in an exclusive platonic relationship?_ The more he thought about it, the more annoyed Even got. _And why did he cover for him?_ _It wasn’t Even’s problem if he lied to his friends._

But he _did_ know why he was covering for Isak. And he realized that it was for the same reason that Isak hadn’t told his friends in the first place. The reason that Even’s heart jumped when Sonja came over on Friday, and the reason they had been exchanging glances for weeks. They weren’t friends. They could never be _friends_.

 

**FRIDAY**

Even didn’t know how to feel when he learned that that week’s pre-game for the revue group was being hosted by Isak. He still hadn’t decided what he wanted to do about this crush and was leaning toward trying to forget about it and focus on Sonja. Going over to Isak’s place with her was bound to get interesting.

They were greeted enthusiastically by Vilde as they entered the already bustling apartment, late as usual. He introduced Sonja and Vilde and scanned the room for Isak. He spotted him sitting on the couch with Emma, literally holding his hand on her boob. _When did this happen?_

Vilde and Sonja seemed to be hitting it off, and Even dared to steal another glance at Isak. This time, their eyes met. Even maintained eye contact until Isak looked away.

“Let me show you where you can get drinks,” Vilde was saying as she led Sonja away.

“I’ll go mingle,” Even said and kissed Sonja on the cheek. When he turned back around, he was greeted by the sight of Isak full-on making out with Emma.   _Oh this is going great_ , he thought. In spite of himself, he walked right over to the couch and plopped down next to her, making sure to interrupt their make-out session.

“I think you guys are bonding a little too much over here,” he joked.

Emma greeted him excitedly, calling him by the wrong name, while Isak looked pissed that he had interrupted their hookup. She was clearly already drunk and immediately started prattling about how much she loved gay people. _Real progressive._ He decided to call her out on it, keeping an eye on Isak’s reaction. He was not disappointed. He was sure again that he hadn’t imagined that there was something between them. They exchanged another glance as Emma stood up and dragged Isak onto the dance floor.

Sonja sat down next to him, and he quickly stood up.

“Come on, let’s dance,” he said, raising his eyebrows at her.

 

 

 

Sonja seemed happy that they were getting along again after last weekend. They danced for a while, and when she started kissing him, Even leaned into it. Considering how many times he’d caught Isak staring at him, the chances of him seeing them were high. Even hoped that the sight would awaken the same jealous monster in Isak’s chest that he’d felt upon walking into the room. He kissed Sonja passionately, keeping his hands and eyes on her, but unable to stop wondering if they had an audience.

When he finally allowed himself to look up in Isak’s direction, Even discovered gleefully that he couldn’t keep his eyes off them. Although he was making out with Emma, or rather, although she was making out with him, Isak’s full attention was clearly focused on Even and Sonja. Even held his gaze much longer than could have been appropriate. The tension between them was undeniable, and he wished he could swap partners with Emma. Why not! He was sure the girls would get along, too.  He closed his eyes and allowed himself to imagine standing entwined with Isak on a crowded dance floor, paying no attention to the world around them.

Before the pre-game was over, Even had made up his mind. He needed to know what was between him and Isak. Stealing glances from across the room was not enough. He wanted more.

 

The party chaotically came to a close and everyone started heading to the main event. Emma and Sonja had agreed that the four of them would share a cab. Even watched as Isak picked up empty bottles and cups from the kitchen table.

“Isak wants to clean up,” he heard Emma say. “He’s gonna bike and meet us there.”

“I have my bike, too,” Even said, suddenly overjoyed that coordinating plans with Sonja had been so difficult that afternoon. They had arrived separately and met down the street.  

“Can’t you just leave it and pick it up later?” Sonja tugged at his shirt.

“No,” he said simply. “I’ll meet you there.”

 

Even waited quietly until everyone had left, and then walked into the kitchen. Isak was sorting through the bottles and cans slowly, unaware of his presence. As Even walked up to the sink to help with the recycling, he was greeted by a confused look.

“Didn’t you take a cab with the others?” Isak asked.

“I have a bike.” Even looked over, amused by his complete bewilderment.

“Good times with... uh, Emma?” he asked, pleased with Isak’s immediate dismissive reaction.

“She’s keen,” he said. _Which meant that he wasn’t._

“You know that Sonja and I have been dating since we were like, 15 or something,” Even started, not really sure where he was going with it. He wanted to be honest with Isak. He wasn’t about to leave Sonja, whom he had come to rely on, but he still wanted him to know how he felt.

“Okay.” Isak acted like he didn’t know why he was being given this information.

“And I can tell we’re drifting further and further apart,” Even continued to test the waters. “But I can’t dump Sonja,” he added. He was trying to be honest.

“Okay?” Isak still played dumb. Even didn’t know what he had been expecting. Maybe he thought he would ask why, and they could talk things through. Maybe he was hoping that he would make a move, talk him into dumping Sonja anyway.

Once again, Even wondered if he had misinterpreted all the signs. He tried to lighten the atmosphere by joking about Sonja having an aluminum leg. Inappropriate jokes were his specialty. To his amusement, Isak became genuinely concerned – he had bought the story. Something about the earnestness with which Isak accepted his tales made him seem so vulnerable.

Even decided to see how long he could carry it on, trying to keep his face straight, but Isak was already looking at him suspiciously, head tilted, eyebrows slightly raised, until an incredulous smile lit up his face.

“You’re joking?” he asked, raising his eyebrows even higher. “You’re joking?”

Even could barely handle how fucking cute he was. He laughed at Isak’s amused attempt to tell him he couldn’t joke about stuff like that.

“I could have joked about something much worse,” he asserted. “Like a dick.”

Once again he was talking to Isak about dicks. _What the fuck, Even_. He tried to own it.

“That would have been going too far,” he said, taking a step closer.

Isak rolled his eyes but his gaze stopped on Even’s lips.  The moment passed, and his eyes now became glued to the ground as the smile disappeared.

“She’s sweet,” Isak said, without looking up, “Sonja.”

He let the syllables roll out of his mouth as though testing them, trying to deconstruct them, understand them, accept them. Even felt the urge to scoop him into his arms and kiss him. _Fuck Sonja. Sonja who?_

He braced himself, and took another step towards Isak. Their faces were mere inches apart. Even waited for him to look up, but Isak kept his head tilted downward, as though too scared to meet his gaze. All the fear, the doubt, the guilt of the moment flew out the window as Even leaned in and felt Isak’s hair graze his forehead. He hesitated there, though tingling with excitement. He needed to know that Isak wanted this. Slowly, the pink streak on Isak’s cheek came into view, as he began to raise his head, their lips a hairsbreadth from touching.

THUMP

A loud noise startled them both, and they jumped apart, heading to the living room to see who was there.


	4. Chapter 4

**SATURDAY**

Even woke up early that morning – even earlier than usual. It was still dark outside, but he could just make out the outline of the window, as the dawn light broke through the gaps in the curtains and reflected in thin strips on the ceiling above him. There were days when a person woke up ready to take on the world. And then there were days like today.  Just last night, the world seemed filled with infinite possibility. He had gone to bed still buzzing from the almost-kiss, and woke up with a heavy weight in his chest.

What had he been thinking? If it hadn’t been for Noora, he would have actually kissed Isak. And then what? Dump Sonja? That was not an option.

_But what if…?_ A small voice dared to ask in his head.

He shook it off and flipped onto his stomach, pulling the covers over his head. There was no way he was going to fall asleep again, but he just lay there for a long time, trying not to think.

 

 

He was in the kitchen making breakfast (it may have been closer to lunch), when his phone buzzed. It was Isak.

 

_Thanks for yesterday_ , Even reread the text. He wasn’t sure what there was to thank him for. He hadn’t done anything. For a split second he considered canceling on Sonja.

_Yeah thanks for last night,_ he typed. _I had a good time._  He hesitated before deleting the last part. 

 

He hit send and dropped the phone on the counter. His toast was burning.

 

 

**MONDAY**

Monday arrived with Even in a much better mood. He pretended it had nothing to do with the possibility of seeing Isak at school. Nevertheless, he found himself, completely by happenstance, skulking around Isak’s locker between classes.

On his second entirely-casual-and-unplanned walk through that particular hall, he caught sight of Isak attempting to open his locker. He couldn’t help but smile as he observed the escalating interaction with the inanimate object. People were always most interesting when they didn’t know they were being watched. Isak visibly grew more and more frustrated trying to no avail to find a way through the small metal door of the impenetrable fortress that held his class notes.

_Fuck it_ , Even thought. He fixed his hair quickly and walked over to say hello.

Isak let out a slightly squeaky and surprised “Hi.”

“Are you going to the Halloween thing?” Even was trying not to betray how endearing he found Isak’s flustered gaze.

“Uh no,” Isak said dismissively at first and then suddenly seemed to change his mind. “Or… maybe? I don’t know.”

The moment Even had seen the flyers for the party plastered on everyone’s lockers that morning, he had told himself that he would not ask Isak to go with him. There was just no way he could swing that. And what would be the point?

“Are you going?” Isak asked him with a nervous glance.

Even shrugged. “Come with me?” the words had come out of his mouth of their own volition.

“Okay,” Isak replied instantly with a small smile that made Even forget that he was supposed to regret asking.

“Okay, then we’ll pre-game together?” There was no way he could manage to go to the party without Sonja.

“Yeah.”

Even slammed his fist against the locker door – a trick he had learned at his previous school – and walked off coolly as it sprang wide open.  He still had a few days to figure out how to get past Sonja. But, truth be told, he was starting to care less and less about her reaction.

 

**THURSDAY**

He tried and failed to find a way to get Sonja not to go to the party. She hadn’t even noticed that he had attempted to exclude her and asked him to see if Isak would host the pre-game. Texting Isak, he referred to her only as his “event planner,” hoping that Isak would read between the lines. He knew he was being a dick to Sonja. He just couldn’t get himself to be bothered about it.

 

 

**FRIDAY**

For Halloween, Even dressed as god and Sonja as an angel. The matching costumes had, of course, been her suggestion, but he kinda liked the idea of playing god for a day. After putting on the flowing white wig and beard, however, he wasn’t so sure about it anymore. It didn’t exactly look cool.

They arrived at Isak’s place, where Emma was already chatting with Isak excitedly. She looked really good in her Cleopatra costume, the long black wig accentuating her pretty face. Even felt even more stupid about his outfit.

He could barely look at Isak at first. He had on his usual skinny jeans and a gray sweater, but he had draped a deep red scarf across his shoulder and wore a Roman laurel wreath on his head. Who knew Mark Antony was so attractive...

Even couldn’t get over how much he wanted to be alone with Isak. The girls talked while the two of them sat around quietly, Even all but chugging his beer from frustration.

“Can you please take it easy on the beer?” Sonja asked softly.

“Can you stop babysitting me?” Even replied, irritated. He didn’t need someone supervising his every move. Wasn’t it enough that she was there with him at every party?

She looked at him with obvious hurt in her eyes, and it just annoyed him even more.

“I mean it,” he said. “Stop monitoring me.”

He didn’t even care about the awkward tension that suddenly filled the room. Sonja stood up and went to the bathroom. She had tears in her eyes, and Even knew that they were going to argue about this later.

Emma followed behind her, and finally, he was alone with Isak, but now he felt slightly ashamed and irritated by Isak’s clear discomfort.

“What time is it?” he asked, interrupting Isak’s attempt at casual conversation.

“21:21,” Isak said looking at his phone. _Huh_. Even wasn’t superstitious, but he always noticed moments of odd repetitions or coincidences – like the time on the bus when he ran into Isak.

_Fuck it_ , he thought. A fight with Sonja was inevitable later anyway, there was no way the party could be fun now, and this was his chance to finally figure out the Isak situation.

“Let’s go,” he said, taking a last swig of his beer.

“Uh, where?”

“Wherever.” Even got up, hoping that Isak, though much more conscientious than him, would once again follow unquestioningly. He was not disappointed.

 

Even jumped on his bike, gesturing for Isak to join him. He noticed Isak’s brief glance at his own bike and the obvious moment he decided he didn’t care. Elated, Even rode away with Isak seated behind him, feeling as though all his troubles were being left behind.

He could have just ridden the bike around forever, with the chilly October wind hitting his face and Isak’s warm presence shielding his back. They rode around like that aimlessly, like children, until Even recognized that they were on a familiar street. He wondered how recklessly he could get Isak to act with him, stopping in front a house where he used to spend time with a friend as a kid. This particular friend’s parents had had a beautiful indoor swimming pool. _Perfect_.

As he expected, Isak wasn’t entirely on board with breaking into a strange house in the middle of the night, but Even lied that the house belonged to his aunt, and Isak seemed eager to believe him. There was something comforting about Isak's trust in him.

Once inside, Isak continued to hem and haw, clearly feeling awkward about the notion of taking his clothes off next to Even to go for a swim.

“Are you afraid of water?” Even teased, and Isak perked up, taking his shoes and scarf off. He acted offended at the suggestion.

“Oh, so it’s just that you’re a little scared of fucking up your hair,” Even taunted.

“You think I care about my hair?” Isak scoffed. “Do I look like I care about my hair?”

Apparently he really didn’t want people to think he cared about his hair.

“Well, not right now, but like, normally…” Even grinned at him.

Suddenly, Isak lunged toward him and pushed him into the pool, falling right in behind him. Even stayed under for as long as he could hold his breath, before emerging out of the water directly in front of Isak.

 

“Did you think I’d died?” he teased.

“Yeah, I was so scared.” The smile on Isak’s face was worth this whole escapade.

“You suck at holding your breath,” Isak started getting cheeky.

“I suck?! Fuck you, you try it then.”

 Readily accepting the challenge, Isak held his nose and went under, but came back up just a few seconds later.

“Wow,” Even laughed. “You never cease to impress!”

Isak insisted that he had gotten water in his lungs and wanted another try. Even suggested they go down together.

“The last to surface is the winner,” Isak agreed.

“3, 2, 1…” Even inhaled sharply before diving down.

As he submerged his head, the loud echo of the pool disappeared, and the soft gurgling of water was all he could hear. Isak’s face floated right in front of him, his hair scattered softly around his head. This time, he held on for a bit, but Even was not above cheating. He reached one hand to Isak’s throat, trying to get him to lose his breath, but Isak pushed his hand away quickly, remaining under.

Their slow movements in the water seemed to bend time itself, and in a moment of unprecedented bravado, Even propelled his body toward Isak, kissing him on the lips. Isak backed away immediately, lifting his head above the surface of the water. Even followed, somewhat heart-broken.

“Yes!” he exclaimed, as he took a breath. At least he could pretend that this had been an attempt at sabotage rather than a move.

“Yes, what?” Isak said, out of breath.

“I won!”

“That’s cheating!” Isak tried to look upset, but a small smile betrayed him. Maybe this wasn’t over yet.

“You think there are rules here?” Even laughed.

“Uh, yeah!” Isak’s face lit up, and the big grin on his face reignited the hope in Even’s chest. “I won’t accept losing because of something like that.”

“Ok, let’s try it again then.”

They went under again, the world once again disappearing around them. Even held Isak’s gaze under the water, waiting. The ball was certainly in his court now.

In slow motion, he watched as Isak swam towards him and pressed his lips against Even’s. He kissed back immediately, and they rose, breaking the surface of the water together, still kissing.

Even couldn’t remember the last time he felt so happy. His chest felt like it might explode – and it wasn’t from holding his breath. He kissed Isak feverishly, barely allowing either of them to catch their breath, and Isak responded eagerly, as though he, too, had been waiting for this moment since they first set eyes on each other.

The moment was cruelly interrupted by the appearance of a little girl – Even’s childhood friend’s sister – who screamed at the sight of them until they ran, laughing, back out onto the cold street. They put their shoes on clumsily while running to the bike, water dripping from their wet clothes and hair, the cold air chilling them to their bones. Even had never cared less about the cold. He kissed Isak again before hopping onto the bike, and they rode away back to Isak’s place, shivering in equal measure from the cold and the exhilaration.


	5. Chapter 5

**SATURDAY**

Even only got a few hours of sleep that night. In spite of being wide awake, he hesitated before opening his eyes. He went over yesterday’s events in his mind, making sure he wasn’t misremembering or mixing up his dreams with reality. He had kissed Isak in the pool, and Isak had kissed back. A small smile formed on his face at the memory. Romeo and Juliet were no match for Even and Isak.

They had arrived back at Isak’s place just before midnight the previous night, soaking wet and shivering. Isak had given him some dry clothes to put on right before hurriedly changing into sweats himself. He smiled shyly and quickly looked away every time their eyes met while changing. As Even put on a blue hoodie that fit him surprisingly well, he looked over at his partner in crime again. Isak was standing awkwardly in the middle of his room, one hand clasped over the other elbow, staring at the floor with that intense, focused look he always got when he was trying to think of something to say. His eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly and his lip twitched as though rehearsing a sentence in his head. Even would have been happy just observing him for the next hour.

“Feel free to get under the blankets,” Isak’s voice was a bit shaky. “You know, to warm up or…” His voice trailed off as he continued to not look at Even. 

Even grinned.

"I appreciate this whole seduction thing you've got going on here, but let me give you a tip," he said, "I'm a sure thing."

From the stunned look Isak gave him, Even could tell that he hadn’t caught the reference - they’d have to watch _Pretty Woman_ together sometime – but he just let the silence hang for a bit this time. The corner of Isak’s lips curled up into a lopsided smile as he processed Even’s words. He relaxed his arms, shrugged almost imperceptibly and looked back down at the floor. He had always seemed so confident, smooth even, when talking to Emma. Even could hardly wrap his head around the fact that he was only this flustered around him.

Isak was still shivering a little as he finally met Even’s gaze. Even was trembling himself, though he was pretty sure it wasn’t from the cold.

“What now?” Even chuckled, lifting his eyebrows. He wondered if Isak had never been with a guy before and whether that might be the reason for his hesitation.

With a small smile and tilt of his head, Isak plopped down on the bed, holding the comforter up for Even to get under.

 

 

They lay side by side for a few moments, just looking at each other happily, before Isak slowly leaned forward and pressed his lips against Even’s. The move was as soft and tender as their pool encounter had been frantic and passionate. They kissed slowly, savoring every second, their hunger for each other only evident in the force with which they pressed their bodies together. Isak buried his hand in Even’s hair, pulling it gently.

Even couldn’t be sure how long they spent making out under the covers, but he wished for time to stop and the moment to last forever. It must have been hours later when Isak sighed softly, nestled his head under Even’s neck, and slowly drifted off, clutching the front of his t-shirt in his hand, as though making sure he wouldn’t disappear.

 

 

In the morning, as Even lay on his back, eyes still closed, he had the irrational fear that he had woken up in his own bed, the events of last night having merely been a powerful dream. He felt something shift on the bed next to him and finally dared to look. He breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Isak waking up and meeting his gaze with the cutest little smirk.

“Good morning,” Even said, unable to stop smiling himself.

“Hi.” Isak tilted his head up slightly, glancing at Even’s lips, as though asking to be kissed. Even gladly obeyed.  

They spent the morning in bed, cuddling and making out, only pausing occasionally to exchange a few words in husky tones.

Around noon, Even’s phone started buzzing repeatedly. He knew that Sonja must be worried, that she wanted to make sure he was okay, but he couldn’t tear himself away from this moment, afraid that it would be lost forever. Instead, he pulled out a joint he had stashed in his god-wig, took a drag of it and then placed it gently between Isak’s lips.  

 

 

“There are probably, in a parallel universe, an Isak and an Even who are lying in the exact same way, in the exact same place only that like, you know, there’s a different color on the curtains or whatever,” Even listened carefully as Isak explained his theory of infinite parallel universes.

This was certainly different from life being like a movie. It made Even feel powerless. If there are, in fact, infinite universes, and everything that can come to pass does, then we have no control over our lives. Then we are not only alone in the universe, we are alone in infinity, pointless cogs in an enormous, neverending system, just one of many instances of infinite possibilities, where our choices carry no weight because elsewhere, in a different universe, another you chose differently.

“So, yellow curtains, then?” Even smiled at the intensity in Isak’s expression.

“Have you never thought about it?” Isak asked.

“Well, yeah, but it just makes me feel so… I don’t know, lonely.”

“It’s so interesting!”

“Nah, I don’t like it.” He wondered why Isak was so attached to the idea.

“Why not?” Isak pressed further.

“I don’t know,” Even said. He didn’t really know how to explain it. “It freaks me out.”

“In what way?”

For some reason, Even found Isak’s persistence comforting. It was as though he really wanted to understand, even if he disagreed. As though he wanted to _know_ Even. The way we can never really know anyone. He tried to explain:

“Not freaked out the way you get by a scary movie, but like,” he thought about it for a moment, “more of a ‘feeling alone’ sort of freaked out. That, like, it’s your head… It’s you and your head and all of your thoughts.”

“Alone in your head? What do you mean?”

“ _The brain is alone_ feeling,” Even tried again.

"What kind of feeling, ‘the brain is alone’?"

“Because there’s only you and your thoughts, you know?” Even said finally. “You can’t escape your thoughts. The only way is to die.”

“That’s real dark, though.”

It was. Even wondered how Isak would feel if he knew about the darkness that lived in him, that he tried not to show because people couldn’t handle it. It was mostly during depressive episodes that he realized these things, but they became so clear, so real. Communication is an illusion. It is impossible to ever truly know what anyone else is thinking or feeling. It was one of the reasons Even tried to be as honest as possible with Isak - to minimize the gap. But perhaps in this instance it was good that Isak couldn’t see inside his head. That he would never have to know how fucked up he was. How broken.

A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Isak’s roommate Eskild’s voice came through the closed door, asking, among other things, whose shoes were in the hall.

“Those are Jonas’,” Isak lied. “I borrowed them.”

Even tried not to feel hurt by the fact that Isak was hiding him from his friends. It wouldn’t be fair to expect him to come out when Even still had a girlfriend. A girlfriend whose texts and phone calls he had been ignoring all day, and who called again shortly thereafter. This time, he looked at his phone, feeling a pang of guilt. He would have to break up with Sonja. This wasn’t fair to her.

“Sonja?” Isak asked, looking up at him.

“I’m so fucked,” Even replied. “Can’t I just stay here with you forever?”

The tenderness with which Isak looked at him was reassuring.

“Can we do that?” he asked again.

Isak nodded.

“We can do that.”

They went back to lazy kisses and soft caresses, Even trying hard to soak up the joy of the day and store it for darker times.

 

 

**SUNDAY**

Even snuck out just after dawn, leaving a quick sketch for Isak on the pillow, just to make sure he didn’t feel abandoned. He wanted to talk to Sonja. He wanted to have things resolved. He needed time to think. As he exited the bathroom, he almost slammed into a bleary-eyed Eskild, who looked like he’d just seen Santa. Even hoped that Isak wouldn’t be upset that Eskild now knew. They exchanged a few words, and Even went home, reveling in the beauty of the cold streets, hazily lit by the morning sun. Talking to Sonja was going to be difficult, but the potential payoff was more than worth it. Maybe there was still hope for him after all.

 

 

**WEDNESDAY**

The talk with Sonja turned out even worse than Even could have anticipated. Shaken, Even had stayed home the next few days, ruminating over her words. They had been together a long time and, although they weren’t a couple anymore, Even had wanted to keep her as a friend. After the breakup, however, he wasn’t sure this was possible.

He had expected her to be upset, to cry, even to be angry. He had not been prepared for the icy look she gave him instead and the ugly sneer that formed on her face. It was as though his words held no weight – she simply refused to accept them. She had always been so supportive and understanding of his bipolar disorder, so he couldn’t have anticipated that she would use it against him. _Is this kid your new Quran obsession_ , she had asked. _Are you going to drop everything for him like you did last year? And then what?_

The fact that Sonja had known him better than anyone, had been privy to his manic escapades _and_ his catastrophic lows and still loved him, that she had always taken him back when he fucked up… it made it all the more hurtful when she used the thing he was most insecure about to invalidate his very real feelings for Isak. Sonja was right most of the time. _But she was wrong about this._ This wasn’t about his illness. This was about a meaningful connection, a bond between two people. She just didn’t understand.

He knew that there was a very real possibility that Isak didn’t feel quite the same way. That this was just a fun hookup for him. But rather than being comforted at Sonja’s parting words, they stung like knives. _I’ll still be here when you realize he can’t love you._ She had scoffed one last time before walking out of the café where they had met, leaving Even feeling physically sick.

 

 

He mulled over the conversation again on his way to school on Wednesday. He wasn’t quite ready to return to class, but he knew Isak had P.E. around 10 and hoped to get a chance to talk to him then.

He watched Isak from the door of the gym for a few minutes, waiting for him to notice. When he finally did, Even went back into the locker room, bracing himself for the conversation. Isak walked in wearing his athletic shorts, looking even more gangly than usual. He was not wearing his usual backwards baseball cap.

“Where have you been?” Isak asked after walking up to Even, looking upset. Understandably so.

Even took a deep breath. He hadn’t really planned out what to say.

“I, uh… have told Sonja about you,” he didn’t want to waste time or make excuses. “And we’ve decided to take a break.”

He gave Isak a moment to process the new information, searching his face for a hint of an emotional reaction. It was one of those moments when Isak’s face betrayed no glimpse of what was happening in his head. Even felt as though his insides were disintegrating as the silence stretched between them. Had he misread Isak so badly? He braced himself, pushing down the erupting panic in his throat.

“What do you think about that?” he finally asked. He needed Isak to say it. Even if the answer was no.

With the tiniest smile, Isak finally uttered a quiet “awesome,” and relief washed over Even.

“Yeah?” he asked, scared to believe it.

“Um… or if… if it makes you sad, then it’s… I hope it’s not my fault.” Isak seemed genuinely shaken by Even’s statement and concerned that he was misinterpreting it.

“I’m not sad!” Even couldn’t help grinning.

The quiet joy evident on Isak’s face was absolutely worth all the mess with Sonja. He stepped forward and kissed Isak gently. He had gotten so worried that he wouldn’t be able to do that again. After soaking up Isak’s presence for a moment, he pushed on.

“What do you think your parents would say, if you started dating me?” He hoped that Isak could read between the lines. _Do you want to date me_ seemed a little too direct and _are you ready to come out to your friends and family_ didn’t sound very romantic.

 “I think that would be ok…”

Even could always tell when Isak was lying.

“Yeah?” he waited for Isak to tell him the truth.

“Or, my dad probably wouldn’t mind.”

“But mom would?” he really hoped this wouldn’t be an issue.

“My mom’s insane,” Isak said with a smile that somehow conveyed desperation.

_Insane._

“In what way?” Even was sure he misunderstood. Isak didn’t mean it that way.

The explanation that followed, however, was not exactly reassuring. As it turned out, Isak hadn’t talked to his “crazy” mom in months.

“So you don’t keep in touch with her anymore?”

_Would he keep talking to Even if he knew?  
_

“No. I mean, I decided my life would be better without mentally ill people around me.”

It was as though someone had reached inside Even and gutted him, leaving nothing but an empty shell, yet he maintained his outwardly composure somehow. _Sonja had been right. She was always right._ Isak could never love him. Not if he knew him. And Even couldn’t blame him. He looked so distraught at the mention of his mom, like having her in his life had wounded him severely. Even never wanted to be the cause of his pain.

Already composing a text message in his head that would let Isak down gently, without hurting him, he kissed the boy he loved one last time before leaving, trying to memorize the taste of his lips.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This short chapter covers the week between episodes 5 and 6. 
> 
> Also, I can't tell y'all how much I appreciate the kind comments you've been leaving. Thank you!

**MONDAY**

Over the weekend, everything had fallen back into place. The old place. It was as though Isak never happened. Sonja had taken Even back without a single nasty comment or complaint. His friends, who had obviously heard about the previous week’s events, pretended that nothing was different. He had even attended a party that weekend. Even told himself he was happy that he could just continue his regular life and was certain that, once the freshness of his emotional wound wore off, he would stop feeling so miserable.

The thing was, however, that lying to yourself is much harder than lying to others. As the week dragged on, Even felt more and more like an actor trapped in a surreal play. He did and said all the right things, but with the exception of some brief moments of distraction, all he thought about, all he wanted, and all he felt was Isak.

 

**FRIDAY**

Sonja came over for dinner Friday evening. Even liked cooking for others, but in spite of having made an elaborate and delicious meal, it just didn’t seem to matter. He continued to feel dejected and had found himself actually dreading his girlfriend's arrival. Really, he just wanted to be alone. He wanted to mope around in bed and let himself be sad. He was no longer sure the act was worth it.

 

“Are you okay?” Sonja asked, looking over at him, brows furrowed, her fork halfway to her mouth. They were sitting next to each other on the living room sofa, and Even had barely said a word all evening.

“Yeah,” he said, shrugging slightly, but Sonja just kept looking at him silently. He pursed his lips for a moment and glanced sideways at her.

“No,” he admitted.

Sonja put her fork on her plate and set the plate on the coffee table in front of them before turning to face him.

“What’s wrong?”

“I want to break up.” Panic rose in Even’s chest as the words came out of his mouth. _What was he doing?_

Sonja ran her tongue over her bottom lip for a moment, looking at the floor. Then she looked back up at Even, raising her eyebrows, as though waiting for more.

The momentary terror of Even’s words slowly dissipated. This was the right thing to do. What was the point of pretending?

“I’m in love with someone else,” he decided to lay it all out on the table. “It’s not fair to you.”

“Isak?” Sonja raised her eyebrows, scoffing slightly as Even nodded. “Well you don’t get to decide what’s fair to me.”

She still thought that it was some silly infatuation. Even knew better. And while he couldn’t control Isak’s feelings or actions, he knew he had to let go of Sonja. Holding on to her out of fear of being alone, of being unlovable… that was not the life he wanted.

“It’s not fair to me either,” he said slowly. “I’m sorry... I care about you. But I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

After a deep sigh, Sonja picked up her wine glass, and chugged it. She set it down on the table a bit harder than was necessary and stood up.

“Fine,” she said. She seemed more annoyed than anything. “I’m tired of being your babysitter anyway. Maybe I can find someone who takes _my_ feelings into account for a change.”

Even remained seated, looking down at his hands, as Sonja stormed out. Fear and relief washed over him simultaneously.


	7. Chapter 7

**MONDAY:**

Even couldn’t exactly say that things got better the following week, though not having to perform "being OK" so much was a relief. It had been over a week since he’d last seen Isak, and he hoped to keep it that way – the only way to get over him, he figured, was to forget all about him. Unfortunately, while loitering in the courtyard that morning, he lifted his gaze, and it landed directly on Isak's bundled form, walking towards the school building.

“No, man, she was so desperate,” Svein was saying. “I was kinda into it!”

Svein's voice suddenly seemed muffled and distant, as though Even had just submerged his head under water. All he could hear was the thumping of his own heart as he watched Isak, who was hiding under multiple layers of clothing. His face suggested quiet determination. His facial expressions, when he didn’t know anyone was looking, were always so easy to read - and Even had become a proficient reader.

Still unsure of the cause of Isak's determination, Even was rudely brought back to reality when he heard his name spoken. He turned his head, remembering where he was.

“Oh, uh…” he pulled himself together quickly. “What was that?”

But as Svein went back into an explanation, he couldn’t help wondering what music Isak was listening to, as though that could help him figure out how he felt.

 

 

 

**WEDNESDAY**

Even had been dodging phone calls from his mom since Monday. Sonja had texted her to let her know about the breakup. He _really_ didn’t want to talk about it, but he couldn’t risk his mom getting worried and calling the police on him or something. He finally picked up when she called during his walk to school.

“Hello?” he said, trying to sound hurried and irritable in an attempt to shorten the conversation.

He listened to his mother scold him like a child for a bit, saying nothing, until she stopped mid-sentence.

“So...  can you tell me what happened?" she asked suddenly. "Why did you dump her?”

He had kinda hoped that she would just yell at him and leave him alone, but _maybe_ there was a small chance that she would actually understand. The fact that she asked, rather than just taking Sonja’s word, was promising.

“I met someone else,” he stopped walking and leaned his back against a nearby building.

“Oh…”

“His name is Isak.”

“A-are you with him now?” she asked tentatively.

_I wish…_

“No,” he said. “I don’t think he’s interested.”

The words resulted in Even’s throat tightening up and his eyes starting to sting.

“How do you know?” his mom continued.

“Know what?”

“That he’s not interested.”

“Uh…” Even hesitated for a moment. “He just… I don’t think he’s OK with mentally ill people.”

“You don’t think?” his mom sounded unconvinced. “Does he know you’re bipoloar?”

“No.”

“Well are you gonna tell him?”

Even didn’t know what to say, and his mom kept going. _Was she being supportive?_

“Look, Even, I know you’re an adult now, and I heard you when you told me you didn’t want to be babysat.” She sounded a bit exasperated. “But I still get to give you advice, no matter what you say. I’m your mother!”

Whatever he had expected from his mom, this wasn't it. She had completely freaked out when he was first diagnosed, watching his every move. Sonja was the only reason she gave him any freedom. He had spent the past couple of years trying to regain some sense of autonomy from her, and failing pretty miserably. And now he was listening to her tell him that _he should talk to Isak_.

“Just don’t isolate yourself, okay?” she all but whispered. Even’s mouth was suddenly so dry, he had trouble opening it.

“Okay,” he croaked.

 

He felt very restless at school that morning. Part of him was high on hope that he might get to be with Isak, but mostly, he was trying to brace himself for impact, for the inevitable confirmation that Isak would prefer not having mentally ill people ( _read: Even_ ) in his life.

Lost in thought, he wandered into the school café to grab a snack between classes, and his heart crumpled, like a racecar hitting a brick wall, at the sudden sight of Isak’s face, no more than three feet in front of him. When Even had seen him before, from afar, he had seemed serious, but confident rather than sad. From up close, however, Isak’s face spoke a million words, and they were all misery.

They looked at each other uncomfortably for a moment aware that they were way past any possibility of pretending they didn’t notice each other.

“Hey,” Even spoke first.

“Hey.”

Isak looked so hurt and angry, with lips slightly pursed and a cold look in his eyes. _Could he be the cause of Isak’s distress?_   Noticing the cheese toast Isak was holding, Even tried to lighten his mood.

“No cardamom?” he asked, alluding to a time that seemed so long ago, when they had decided to put every spice they could think of on their cheese toasts; the day when Even first fell in love with Isak.

It took a moment before Isak caught the reference and smiled through a ghost of a chuckle.  

“Cardamom!” he said playfully, but without breaking through the pain in his face. “No, so...” his voice trailed off.

It hadn’t even occurred to Even that Isak might have been as invested in their relationship as he was. _And if that was the case…_

“But, uh…” Even tried to say something, but all the words seemed to have fled from his head.

“I think I gotta go,” Isak said suddenly, rushing past without giving Even a chance to find his footing.

_Had Even’s feelings not been as obvious as he’d thought?_   He had kept making a fool of himself just to gain Isak’s attention, and he had broken up with his girlfriend of four years after making out with him once. _How could Isak not know?_   Even the text he’d sent was tentative, asking for time rather than saying it was over.

Regardless, he had to fix this. He couldn’t allow Isak to suffer on his account.

 

 

Even spent the afternoon in his room, drawing. He doodled randomly for a while, just thinking of Isak, unable to decide if finding out about Even's bipolar would hurt him more or less. He tried to find a way to explain that wanting the impossible doesn’t make it possible. _They couldn't be together._ Not as long as Even was mentally ill; not in this lifetime.

_Were Isak and Even together in some of Isak’s infinite parallel universes_ , he wondered. Maybe the one with the yellow curtains. And cardamom on their cheese toast.

Even smiled at the idea. He ripped out a blank piece of paper from his notebook and drew two large rectangles on it. In the one on the left, he outlined a small figure with a backwards baseball cap, eating a cheese toast without cardamom (this part he had to label – he was not _that_ good of an artist). On the right, he drew the same figure, but this one wasn’t alone and had cardamom on his cheese toast. This rectangle included the label, “ _at the same time in a different place in the universe_.”

Even would slip the drawing into Isak’s pocket during PE tomorrow. This way, he could show Isak he cared, without putting him on the spot or risking hurting him more. It was odd how a concept that had scared and unnerved him before was now somehow comforting. _In some universe, they were happy._  


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to be delicate in how I approach their sexual relationship, so there are definitely direct allusions to sex in this chapter but they are not explicit.

**SATURDAY**

Even was walking home from his mom’s house – the obligatory lunch to make sure he was ok – when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He was still trying to pretend that he wasn’t hoping for a text from Isak, and was definitely not ready to explain to any of his friends (only a few of whom had stuck around) why he broke up with Sonja, so he ignored it for a while. It was Saturday, after all, and there was no way that Isak hadn’t noticed the drawing that Even had carefully placed next to his phone on Thursday. Had Isak wanted to talk, he would have done so already.

By the time he entered his apartment, Even had forgotten all about his phone. He let out a sigh of relief after managing to get into his room without being noticed by his roommate. He didn’t remember to check his phone until he went to set his alarm before bed. And there it was, a message from Isak:

 

 

Even stared at it for a while. It was weird how the inclusion of “Hi Even” changed the tone from terse to personal. But although he had spent the past two days hoping for a text, now that he got it, he had no idea how to proceed. He started typing a response:

 

 

 

 _No, he couldn’t do that_.

He pressed the backspace button until the input field was blank again. The cursor blinked at him coldly. He had made sure that Isak knew he cared. That was all.

 

 

**WEDNESDAY**

 

 _What kind of an idiot fa_ _lls this hard for someone they’ve barely known for a month?_ Even dropped his bookbag on the floor, extracted his laptop, and climbed into bed. He had been spending a lot of time in bed the past week. It wasn’t that he was tired; he just didn’t want to be among people. Probably ever again.

He knew he was being dramatic, but that only annoyed him more. Not a day went by that he hadn’t picked up his stupid phone to reread Isak’s last message, having to talk himself out of replying. He took his phone out of his pocket and let it drop on the floor. A loud _clunk_  followed as the phone landed roughly. _Good_. He hoped it was destroyed so he wouldn’t be tempted to look at it again.

 

 

 

The worst thing about Netflix was always having to decide what to watch. As he often did, Even let a random movie generator decide for him. The first suggestion didn't seem all that appealing.

 

 

 _Moonstruck_.

Judging by the cover, this seemed a little too happy for Even's taste. He hovered the cursor over the **Pick Movie** button, wanting a new recommendation, but hesitated.  The first name in the cast list was Nicolas Cage. During the Saturday they had spent in bed together, Isak had told him that there was a movie where Cage didn’t overact, where he was actually good. Even didn’t believe him.

Though he hated himself a little for being such a sucker for anything Isak liked, he searched for and found _Moonstruck_ streaming on the web. It was most certainly _not_ a movie where Nic Cage didn’t overact. If possible, his performance was even more over-the-top than usual. And yet, for some weird reason, it really worked for this role of hopeless romantic, Ronny Cammareri, and Even found himself invested in the narrative and characters. He wouldn’t dare say it out loud, but Cage was even kind of hot here.

 _1987, forever ago._   

 

During what was ostensibly the film’s climax, he watched Nicolas Cage's Ronny deliver an impassioned speech to Cher’s character, Loretta:

 

> “Love don’t make things nice, it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren’t here to make things perfect. The… the snowflakes are perfect! The stars are perfect. Not us. _Not us!_   We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and… and die. I mean that storybooks are _bullshit_.  Now, I want you to come upstairs with me and… and _get in my bed_.”

As Loretta took Ronny’s hand and went inside with him, Even slammed his computer shut without finishing the movie, and jumped down from his bed. He was suddenly very relieved that his phone had remained intact, except for a small scratch on the screen. Sitting down with his phone, a pen, and a piece of paper, he made another drawing for Isak. Once again, his drawing showed two universes: on the left, a replica of Even's screen where he hadn’t replied to the text; on the right, one where he had.

“Glad you liked it,” the alternate universe Even had typed. “Put it there when you had P.E.” He hesitated before filling in the last line.

“Miss you.”

 

He felt trapped between the two universes and hoped that Isak would understand. He had woken up before his alarm every day this week, but he set it to half an hour early, just in case, so that he could slip the drawing in Isak’s locker before class.

 

**FRIDAY**

Even forced himself to go to a pregame at a friend’s house that weekend. Socializing was good for him (or something), and maybe he could just get real drunk. He had barely walked into the party, however, when his phone buzzed – Isak again.

 

 

 _Call me when you’ve broken up with your girlfriend._ Did Isak really think that this was about Sonja?

But the part that really caught Even’s eye were the two simple words “ _something more_.” He was most definitely interested in something more.

He replied almost instantly, without giving himself a chance to change his mind.

If Isak really felt the same, then maybe they could talk things out. Or he could just keep his bipolar in check, and he’d never have to find out. Even practically ran out of his friend’s apartment, almost falling down the stairs because he kept checking his phone.

 

 

 _What was he typing so long?_   Even wasn’t sure if he was just being impatient or if Isak had actually been typing forever. He pulled his denim jacket tighter around his neck, shivering a little from the cold. He should probably dress more appropriately for the temperature outside.

_buzzzzz_

Finally, a reply.

 

 

Chilling at home? _Chilling at home_?? Isak sure knew how to fuck with his head. No matter. Even put the phone in his pocket without replying and headed straight to Isak’s place. This was a conversation they needed to have in person anyway.

 

He adjusted his hair and took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. He thought he could hear voices inside, but it may have just been the wind. Again, Isak seemed to take forever. Was Even’s perception of time just fucked? Or was something weird going on here? His stomach doing somersaults from anxiety, he knocked loudly on the door. Maybe the doorbell wasn’t working.

He lost his breath for a moment as the door opened and Isak stood in front of him, wearing his backwards baseball cap and an inscrutable expression on his face.  

“Hey,” he said after a moment.

“Hey,” Even replied, his lips twitching into a small smile. He really had missed Isak. _But what now?_   He realized he had no idea what Isak was thinking or feeling - that he hadn’t even known why Even had tried to distance himself. They needed to talk, but he didn’t know where to begin. He waited awkwardly for Isak to take the lead.

The words he waited for never came. Instead, Isak stepped forward and kissed him, burying his fingers in Even’s hair. His touch was electric, making Even’s skin prickle with excitement. He returned the pressure as they stumbled, kissing with increasing fervor, toward Isak’s bedroom. Even could no longer think straight as their shirts came off and he fell to his knees with only one intention: to show Isak how much he’d missed him.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It might take me a little longer to write the next chapter, because I want to do justice to Even's character and integrate his mental illness into his thought process. Hopefully, I can make it work!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This and the following chapter contain a lot of thoughts about mental illness, some of which are distorted, so please keep that in mind if you want to keep reading, i.e. read responsibly, keeping your own mental health in mind.
> 
> I also want to note that, while I feel quite cozy writing from the POV of a person going through depression, my understanding of mania is not experiential. I am open to constructive feedback about this, if you find parts of this chapter poorly conceived. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

** SATURDAY  **

Even could feel Isak’s feet wrapped up with his own when he woke up. He opened his eyes to see the morning sunshine casting a scattered glow on Isak’s sleeping form. He lay silently for a while, tracing the shapes of light and shadow that flickered on Isak’s exposed shoulders. Though they had gone to bed really early the previous night, they couldn’t get enough of each other until almost dawn, so it made sense that Isak was still fast asleep. Waiting for him to wake up was torture for Even, who wanted nothing more than to kiss him again.

Somewhere in the back of his head, a small voice noted that he had been sleeping less and less lately. Even shook off the thought, sticking it way back in the dark recesses of his mind, where it could kindly fuck off along with the knowledge that he still had to tell Isak about his disorder.

Eventually, he decided to get up and take a shower, and by the time he re-entered the living room, Noora was up. She was quite charming and didn’t seem to mind that Even was there. Eskild, who was nothing short of thrilled about Even’s presence, joined them a short while later looking a bit silly - but nonetheless adorable - in his blue silk robe. He seemed well on his way to becoming the president of the “Evak” fan club.

Eskild and Noora hung around the kitchen a bit awkwardly as Even made breakfast. They seemed very interested in him until Isak finally walked in, at which point they suddenly had to leave right away. Even was too happy to be embarrassed about their interest in his and Isak’s love life, and immediately greeted him with an enthusiastic kiss.

He kind of enjoyed the startled look on Isak’s face -he clearly hadn’t expected Even to be there. He just stood frozen in place, eyes wide and mouth open, until his roommates left the room. Even hoped it was a good kind of surprised. Not why-are-you-still-here surprised. More Julia-Roberts-when-Richard-Gere-arrives-in-a-limo surprised.

“Hey, I didn’t know what you liked so I just… I made everything,” Even said cheerfully while turning down the heat on the stove. “What movie?”

“Movie?” Isak’s confusion persisted. They would definitely need to watch _Pretty Woman_ soon.

“Taste this,” Even said, feeding Isak a bite of the omelet straight from the spatula. “Is it any good?”

“Mhm,” Isak nodded.

It was surely better than the last time they cooked together, as this time Even skipped most of the spices. He did make sure to still include cardamom, however.

He returned to the stove. Breakfast was almost ready.

“When I woke up, I…” he heard Isak say slowly. “I thought you’d left.”

So, good-surprised... But maybe also worried-surprised.

“Hey,” Even said, facing him. “I was just here cooking. And chatting with your friends.”

“Does Sonja know where you are?” Isak asked after Even turned back to the food.

“Fuck Sonja,” Even replied instantly. _Who cared about Sonja?_ She was part of his old life. “We’re not together anymore.”

“Yeah, well, the last time you said it was over, you... you were like, hooking up with her two days later,” Isak scoffed a little. “It’s not… it’s not easy for me not to give a fuck about her, Even.”

 _Apparently Isak cared about Sonja._ But how did he even know about this? They were barely together for a week after that. And how could Even possibly explain why he had gone back to her? Certainly not without coming clean about being bipolar. He didn’t really understand why that was such a big deal anyway. Did he even have to tell Isak? He had been perfectly fine for months now.

“No, but you’ve got to understand that the thing with Sonja is that she’s in control. Sometimes I feel as though she knows me better than I do myself,” he tried to explain, keeping his eyes glued to the stove and his back turned to Isak. “Because… everything she says is true. And that’s what I’m so fucking tired of.”

He wanted nothing more than for Sonja to be wrong about his feelings for Isak. He had never felt this intensely about anyone, and he wasn’t willing to let her take that from him. He didn’t even care if it was in his best interest or not.

“I feel as though… she can’t feel what I feel, or think, for that matter.” He dared glance over at Isak.

Isak nodded, but Even wasn’t sure if he had understood.

“Agreed?” he prompted for more.

“Only you can feel what you feel,” Isak finally said.

After turning off the stove, Even approached Isak, looking him over as though making sure that he was still real. As he leaned in, gently pressing his forehead against Isak’s, he swallowed hard and hoped his voice wouldn’t shake.

“And I haven’t felt anything quite like this…” he confessed. “Ever.”

Isak’s eyes traveled from Even’s lips to meet his gaze, his eyelashes fluttering slightly.

“Neither have I,” he whispered.

He looked vulnerable and soft and so fucking beautiful. Everything else could go to hell - this was all Even wanted. They kissed tenderly, and he hesitated again, wondering if maybe he could tell Isak after all.

_The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return._

But he heard Gabrielle’s new song starting on the radio, and all worries dissipated from Even’s mind.

“This song!” he turned up the music and looked over at Isak, grinning. “Gabrielle?”

“Are you kidding?” Isak looked downright offended, so Even played it up even more.

“No,” he said, bobbing his head slightly with the music.

“Jesus Christ, this is a hashtag. What the hell?” Isak was clearly still in disbelief, but Even wasn’t quite sure what he meant.

“What?”

“#When you’ve found the man of your dreams, and it turns out he likes Gabrielle?” Isak said, not even realizing what he’d just revealed. Even thought he could literally feel his brain light up with endorphins.

“Am **I** the man of your dreams?”

He had stopped listening after that part. He couldn’t even try to hide his excitement and teased Isak gently, eyebrows raised so high they almost hurt.

“Or…” He looked around, as if to make sure Isak wasn’t addressing somebody else. “Was it me you were talking about?”

Isak rolled his eyes, the way he often did, and tried to play it cool.

“Am I the man of your dreams?” Even repeated.

“That’s how the hashtag goes,” Isak tried to deflect. “You know that!”

“No, excuse me, you said I’m the man of your dreams!”

Even stepped closer to Isak, unbothered by his feigned denial. It was pretty clear from the embarrassed smile that he had meant it.

“Say it again,” Even insisted after kissing him, standing so close that their noses were still touching.

“Hm?”

“Say it again.”

Isak tilted his head up, looking down at Even through his eyelashes.

“You’re the man of my dreams.”

The way Isak looked at him while speaking, it was clear that he knew the effect he had on Even, who was, by this point, practically giddy. He had been thirsting for Isak’s affection for what seemed like forever. Maybe even since before he’d first seen him. 

As Isak continued to berate the song and pretend to be annoyed, Even threw himself fully into it, lip syncing every word and dancing to its rhythm, pausing only to kiss the man of _his_ dreams passionately. In spite of his insistence that the song was “shit,” Isak was clearly enthralled by Even’s performance. The desire apparent in Isak’s gaze was like a drug, and Even needed more.

They fooled around in the kitchen, lost in their own little world, while Even’s perfectly cooked omelet sat in the pan untouched. They spent the whole day together, laughing, kissing, teasing each other, and playing video games. Even stayed the night, forgetting, once again, to take his mood stabilizer.

 

 

**THURSDAY**

Even stayed over again on Sunday, and pretty much every day that week. The brief time periods when they were apart were scattered with cutesy texts, and Even found himself unable to concentrate - or think about anything, really, other than when he would see Isak again.

On his way to his last class on Thursday, he saw Isak talking to his friends – the usual suspects – and hesitated before approaching them. He wasn’t sure how much Isak had told them and didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. But they were standing directly in front of the stairwell that led to his classroom, so he took a deep breath and walked up to them slowly.

“Hey guys,” he said.

Isak looked like he didn’t know where to direct his gaze. Looking at the floor, he introduced them awkwardly. This didn’t bode well.

“Guys, this is Even. Even, this is the…uh, yeah.”

Even shook their hands one by one and tried to commit their names to memory. Eyebrow guy was Jonas - Isak’s best friend from what he’d gathered. The blond one who was bound to get hot once his acne cleared up was Magnus, and the one with the charming smile, Mahdi.

“So, what’s up?” Even tried to make polite conversation without revealing anything that Isak might not want revealed. Isak looked a bit dazed and embarrassed – yet another look he pulled off so well.

“We were gonna get some food, but he’s got one more class, so…” Mahdi started.

“Mmm,” Even looked at Isak knowingly. “Sucks,” he said as Mahdi continued:

“I don’t fucking care, but he’s not interested.”

Isak finally looked at Even, and his lips stretched into a shy, lopsided smile as he averted his gaze again. That seemed to trigger something in Magnus.

“Oh, you’re Even!” he exclaimed suddenly.

“Yeah,” Even laughed. _So Isak did tell them._

“Oh yeah!” putting his hands on his head, Magnus seemed star-struck. “Holy fucking shit, I thought...”

He collected himself and offered his hand for a second introduction, “Ey, sorry! Hi! Magnus. Pleasure.”

“A pleasure,” Even shook his hand again, taken aback by Magnus’ genuine excitement.

It was interesting how happy some of Isak’s friends had been to meet him. Did Isak talk about him a lot?

“I had completely forgotten,” Magnus laughed. “He’s the guy who threw us out, right?”

Even shot Isak, who looked mortified, a confused look.

“No, it was you,” Jonas said, addressing Isak, “but because of him.”

Magnus didn’t seem aware of having revealed Too Much Information for Isak’s taste.

“You’re the one who threw us out,” Mahdi chimed in, “because of this hottie.”

Hottie? _Was Even the hottie?_

“I didn’t throw you out,” Isak protested.

“Yes, you did!”

“They were going to a party,” Isak tried to play it down, but his friends were not letting him off the hook.

“Yeah, _with you_!”

“It was very sudden. Like, ‘Guys, get out! Even’s here!’”

 _So that’s why it had taken him so long to open the door last Friday._ Even could hardly hold back a grin.

“You were going to a party!” Isak maintained, but Magnus refused to let it go.

“Ummm with you? But then it didn’t happen because you wanted to hang with him.”

As much as Even was enjoying the reveal of the effect he had had on Isak, and as hot as Isak continued to look in his embarrassment, he didn’t want to make his _boyfriend_ – he felt a small rush at thinking of Isak as that – too uncomfortable.

“Yeah,” Even spoke up with a small smile. “But I think it was for the best that you weren’t there…”

A momentary silence followed, as Isak looked at him, wide-eyed, before they all laughed. Even wondered if Isak felt the same jolt of adrenaline he got at the reminder of their Friday night activities.

Jonas and Mahdi headed out after shaking Even’s hand one more time, but Magnus lunged at him, hugging him tightly before leaving. Magnus was clearly the weirdo of the group – in a good way, of course. Even couldn’t stop smiling as he finally got a few moments alone with his boyfriend.

He turned to face Isak, who was now answering a phone call. He patiently waited his turn.

“Hello, this is Isak?” His facial expression changed instantly, and he looked up at Even incredulously. “It’s Sonja,” he whispered, holding the phone away from his face.

Even immediately snatched the phone from Isak’s hand.

“Don’t fucking call Isak,” he said tersely before hanging up on her.

 _Fuck_. Sonja was going to tell Isak. She was going to tell Isak, and it was all going to end. _Fuck shit fuck._

“What?” Isak was not pleased with Even’s handling of the situation. “Why did you do that?”

“Don’t talk to her,” Even said simply.

“Why? What does she want?” He wasn’t stupid, of course he would want to know.

“She wants to control you.”

“Control me?” Isak said with an incredulous sideways glance. “How would she control me?”

“Because she…” Even spoke quickly, “doesn’t like people who live freely and are real.”

Isak looked unconvinced, so Even kissed him hard, and walked off towards his class before he had to field any more questions.

“You’re so fucking hot, Isak!” he exclaimed as he climbed the stairs. _He really was._

Even decided to stay home that evening so as not to give Isak the chance to ask him about Sonja. He would have to do something to shift Isak’s attention. Something big. _It didn’t matter. It didn’t fucking matter that he was bipolar._ Isak didn’t need to know. _Fuck Sonja for trying to ruin this for him._ She couldn’t control him anymore.

 

**FRIDAY**

 

“Your reservation is confirmed for this evening, Mr. Næsheim, for one night in a King suite,” a woman’s voice came from Even’s phone.

“Excellent! What time is check-in?”

“Check-in starts at 3.”

“Perfect. Thank you!”

He had planned it all out the previous night. He was going to sweep Isak off his feet: champagne, penthouse suite, whatever Isak wanted, _Pretty Woman_ style. It turned out they didn’t have a penthouse suite, but that was just a minor detail. He was so excited about the weekend that he could barely think straight. It occurred to him that it was unwise to spend so much money, but the anticipation of the evening alone was worth it.

He arrived at Kaffebrennetiet shortly after 3, as agreed, and saw Isak sitting inside, facing the window. Even knocked on the glass to get his attention, before fogging up a small patch with his warm breath and drawing a heart in it with his finger. He even added a small letter “i” for Isak.

As Isak walked out to meet him with a smile on his face, Even leaned in for a kiss. Isak, however, backed away with a soft “whoa,” before glancing around to check if anyone had seen it.

 _Oh._ It wasn’t enough to dampen Even’s high spirits, however. Isak just needed time to adjust. Kissing in public was a big step.  

_Simple as a touch and a kiss._

Even reined in his desire to tell everyone they passed that Isak was his boyfriend as they walked to the Radisson hotel. He paid little attention to their surroundings, thinking instead of all the possible ways he could make his boyfriend happy that night. Champagne was a must. Maybe strawberries? The other stuff he didn't have to plan - Isak's guard always dropped as quickly as his clothing, and Even could easily sense how to please him.

He chatted briefly with the Danish receptionist who greeted them at the front desk, while Isak smiled quietly next to him. Even wondered why he didn’t seem excited about Danish film.

They rode the glass elevator to the top floor, the city sinking slowly before them, for what seemed like forever. Even was anxious to get to the room, where they could be alone. And naked. Definitely naked.

_Never knew a feeling like this._

They had barely reached the room when Even started taking his clothes off, and helping Isak remove his. Isak giggled between kisses as they stumbled through the room and Even pushed him onto the bed, taking a moment to soak up the sight, before leaning over to kiss him again. The world ceased to exist.

It was dusk by the time they decided to take a break. They ate mini burgers, chased them down with champagne, and talked without ever putting their clothes back on. After a while, Even sensed that something was starting to go wrong by the unfamiliar look on Isak’s face. He wanted to ask Isak what he was thinking, but instead, he couldn’t seem to stop himself from prattling on, unable to stand even a moment of silence.  He knew that as long as he just kept talking, kept doing, kept moving, everything would turn out great.

_The angels must have sent you and they meant you just for me._

“How many Isaks and Evens do you think are lying like this right now?” Even asked after they made love again.

“Infinite.”

“In infinite time," Even added.

The idea didn’t scare him anymore. There had to be at least one Even who was getting it right. He played with Isak’s hair, somewhat overwhelmed by the intensity of emotion his mere presence seemed to evoke.

“You know, the only way to have something for infinite time,” he said after a brief silence, “is by losing it.”

_Pure bliss, pure bliss._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. The next chapter is almost ready, and will most likely be up tomorrow.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Major Warning: This chapter includes heavy suicidal ideation.**
> 
>  
> 
>  _Notes:_  
>  1\. In addition to the song lyrics, there are a few "easter egg" media references in this chapter. Some are more obvious than others (i.e. italicized), but the titles of texts referenced are listed in the end notes, in case anyone is interested in finding them all.  
> 2\. The positive attention this fic has gotten has been really amazing, so thank you all so much for reading and commenting! I'm considering having a giveaway on my tumblr of an Evak oil painting i'm working on. If anyone is interested, I can link to the giveway post in the notes for the next chapter (the painting will be finished by then).

****

** SATURDAY **

there still is hope, yes I can be healed

there is someone looking for what I've concealed

in a secret drawer in my pockets deep

you will find the reasons that I can't sleep

and you will still want me

_but will you still want me?_

 

Even opened his eyes in a hospital bed. It took a moment before he remembered that he had been taken there by the police. The previous night was now a blur. His head was heavy and his mind dazed. He sat up on his bed, slowly, feeling as though he was moving through a thick shroud of molasses.

He knew the protocol. He was given new medication, or rather, additional medication. As if the Lithium didn’t aready make him feel sluggish enough... He noticed a small pile of his clothes folded neatly on the chair by his bed, and his phone charging on the nightstand. His mother had been here.

Even reached for the phone. There were no new messages. 

_Where is he? The man who was just like me._

No texts from Isak asking where he was. Which meant that he knew now.

  _I'm alone, and I realize when I get home, I wanna go through my red and my cherry._

 

Even scrolled through some of the texts from the previous week before starting to type.

 

 

                                

 

He had no fucking idea what to say to Isak now. The thoughts were still scrambled in his head, separated from him by a medically induced haze, slipping from his mind like wet soap form his hand. All he knew was that he had fucked up. Again. The bitter taste of regret took over all his senses. Maybe if he had just talked to Isak, or taken his medication more regularly, or... Maybe if he’d never gone back to Isak in the first place.

 

His jittery thumbs had started typing on the small keyboard across his phone’s screen before he even decided what he was going to say.

 **||** _An immaculate version of me and my baby_ **||** _  
_ **||** _With all respect cause you the only one that gets me_ **|** **|**

 

 Even didn't know it was possible to feel this wired and lethargic at the same time.

 **||** _Where is he?_                                                   **||**  
**||** _The man who was just like me_ **||**  
**||** _I heard he was hiding somewhere I can't see_ **||**

He wanted to crawl out of his skin, but instead, he kept typing, sending text after text in Isak’s direction.

 **||** _And I'm alone, and I realize that when I get home_     **||**  
**||** _I wanna go through my red and my cherry_ **||**

 

The door to his small room opened, and a middle-aged woman walked in. Her hair was an ashy blond with visible white roots. She wore a nurse’s uniform.

 

 **||**   _Life is good, no matter_ what **||**    
**||** _Life is good, life is_ good        **||**    
**||** _Life is good, yeah_ **||**    
**||**   _No matter_ what                     **||**     
**||** _Life is good_ **||**    

 

“Good morning, Even,” she said, her voice more chipper than should have been allowed. “How are we feeling?”

Even looked up from his phone blankly. He didn't appreciate her patronizing tone.

“Ooookay,” she said with a small nod. “Well, I have your discharge papers here, and we have phoned your mom to come pick you up, so you’ll be out of here in no time! That's good news, isn't it?”

It actually was. Even couldn't wait to get out of there, so he forced himself to get up and put on the clothes his mother had left behind. It was stuff he probably hadn’t worn in years, definitely not since he had moved out. 

The nurse got his signature on several forms that he had no desire to read, and explained the new medication and its possible side effects. Even didn’t listen.

 _My life is better without mentally ill people in it._ The memory bounced around his brain repeatedly, like a song stuck in his head.

After she left, he stared at his unblinking phone, and only looked up when he heard his mother’s voice.

“Hey sweetheart, ready to go home?” she was putting on her best 'normal' voice. "You can stay with me for a little while until we get everything sorted out, yeah?"

As if he had a choice.  _And he will remain here in his cage with the running water and the electricity and the central heat, as long as he lives._

Rolling his eyes took too much effort, so Even just walked silently out of the hospital, and his mom followed. He got in the passenger seat of her car and watched the city fly past him through the car window. He hated this movie. Unless it ended with Isak saving him. He glanced again at his phone, and it lit up just a moment later. A new text from Isak.

 

   

 

Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes - it was Beauty killed the Beast.

 

** WEDNESDAY **

I close my eyes and all the world drops dead. I think I made you up inside my head.

Even was lying on his side in his childhood bedroom when his phone lit up directly in front of him. He felt the vibrations of its quiet buzzing on the pillow under his face. Lifting his gaze, he could just make out the letters on the screen forming the name of the caller. _Isak_. 

Even didn’t take his eyes off the phone or move until it became still again. There was no room in his head for any new sensations. Pulling the covers up to his chin, he turned to face the other side of the bed, and stayed there until he fell asleep.  

Even and Isak: sad, sad, sad.

 

 

** FRIDAY **

Things are simple when you’re going to die.

Time doesn’t exist in depression. If mania felt like a rapidly edited montage set to increasingly upbeat music, depression consisted of a single long take of a sleeping man, looping every five hours and twenty minutes _._ Even was tired of watching. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Tired of being the compulsory burden to everyone who made the mistake of caring about him.

His mother had urged him to go for a walk that afternoon - it would make him feel better. Obliging was easier than arguing, so Even wrapped himself in as many layers as he could muster and, cocooned in his shirt, hoodie, scarf, beanie, and winter jacket, left his mother’s house for the first time all week.

On Wednesday he had gotten a follow up text from Isak.

He was glad – as much as he could be anything – that Isak wasn’t mad at him. Talking to him, however, was not something he could handle. The heart emoji hurt somehow. An echo of a dream that could have been but never would be. 

It had slowly turned dark as he roamed the city, and Even knew that his mother would start to worry soon. Keeping his hands in his pockets and his head down, he mulled over Isak’s text as the increasingly cold air nipped at his cheeks and nose. He didn’t mind the physical pain. He deserved it, really. He had fucked over Sonja repeatedly, he had deceived Isak into having feelings for him, knowing it would end badly, and he couldn’t even fathom the strain he had been putting on his poor mother over the past few years.

There was no point pretending that it wasn't his fault. He had made all the choices himself. It wasn’t like he’d lost so many friends at his old school because they were all terrible people. The common denominator was always Even.

He had selfishly allowed himself to believe that things would be different this time. Why had he done it? He could offer a million answers - all false. The truth was that he was a bad person. He had tried so hard to make Sonja into the Big Bad, he forgot that the role had already been filled. This was not a tragic love story or a Hollywood romance. It was the story of an unreliable narrator, the true villain of the piece, the protagonist, Even.

Though he had been walking aimlessly, when he finally looked up, he found himself in front of the very bench where he and Isak first talked. Even sat down on the back of the bench. He wanted to recapture the anticipation and pleasure of that moment, but it was too late.

_Maybe in another universe._

He took out his phone to type a final response to Isak’s message. He had delayed it long enough. The time read 21:19. Even didn’t usually believe that the universe could send you signs, but this one was a little too clear to deny. He was doing the right thing. 

He typed without pausing to think. It was important to him that he apologize, that Isak know he hadn’t meant to hurt him. He remembered how wounded Isak had looked at the school café after the first time Even broke his heart. He couldn't let that happen again. He reread the message once before sending it. 

 

 

He hesitated for a moment. The numbers on the clock changed – it was 21:21. _Now or never._ He added the final words before hitting **SEND** :

“I love you. Even.”

 

Isak had had so much trouble understanding the “brain is alone” feeling he often experienced. That was probably a good thing. It was an unpleasant and unneeded awareness – if you were unable to accept it, anyway. Even was finally ready to accept it. In spite of the suffocating daze of his medicated mind, some things remained perfectly clear.

His limbs were starting to get stiff, and he could feel his teeth chattering. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there, staring at the bright lights disrupting the darkness around him. There was something comforting in the many black shadows that nonetheless remained. He stood up slowly and walked into the building. He would allow himself one last glance at the bathroom, as sentimental as it may be. He had developed a childish fondness for that paper towel dispenser.

As he walked back outside a few minutes later, Even felt something akin to relief. It was going to be over soon. He opened the door and took a step on the wet asphalt before noticing a person standing by the bench - _their_ bench.

Isak’s uncovered hair reflected the street lights like a beacon. _Why was he here?_   Even stood frozen in place, feeling the gracelessness of his limbs, which were sticking out at awkward angles from under his puffy coat. He suddenly became aware of the throbbing, icy numbness in the knuckles of his exposed hands.

As Isak approached him slowly, Even managed to take a few slow steps forward. He had thought he would never see Isak again, and the vision of his flushed face and stormy eyes felt surreal. Isak crossed the distance between them, and Even waited, not daring to question or wonder why he had come. He had seen this moment in movies quite often, but he couldn’t fathom it resulting in a happy ending and a passionate kiss. It wasn't that kind of movie.

Even remained still as Isak leaned in so close that his nose gently grazed Even’s. He shut his eyes and allowed himself to feel the closeness of Isak’s skin, to inhale his scent. It didn’t matter why he was here. _He was here._

A sense of panic ran through him when Isak pulled back slightly, until he felt his hands on the sides of his face. Isak lightly rested his forehead on Even’s, and spoke quietly, looking intently into his eyes.

  _“_ **You are not alone.”**

 

Had it been physically possible for Even to feel something at this time, he was fairly certain his heart would have burst. He closed his eyes. How could Isak still care about him? Why was he trying to help him? Even knew better. He _was_ alone. _Every living creature on earth dies alone._   He was alone.

When he opened his eyes again, Isak’s lips were so close to his own that he didn’t care anymore. He didn’t care about being right, didn’t care about doing the sensible thing. Their lips met, and Even felt warmth, like a gentle ray of sunshine, seep into him. This wasn’t real. He knew that. It couldn’t last. But he was so tired of fighting. 

As he let Isak pull him into a long hug, he decided to hold on to this moment. His plans could just as well wait until morning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Texts alluded to in this chapter:  
>   
>  **TV**  
>  The Twilight Zone  
> Buffy the Vampire Slayer (kinda)  
>  **FILM**  
>  King Kong (1933)  
> Anna Karenina (1948)  
> Sleep (1963)  
> Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966)  
> Trainspotting (1996)  
> Donnie Darko (2001)  
>  **OTHER**  
>  Bright Eyes – A Song to Pass the Time  
> John Legend – Pure Bliss  
> NAS - Cherry Wine  
> Sylvia Plath – Dead Girl’s Love Song


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is one inconsistency in this chapter, because at the time when I wrote the first chapter, we hadn't yet learned that Even had noticed Isak on the first day of school. So let's just pretend that that's what happened in my first chapter too.
> 
> Thank you all so much for following this story and for all your kudos and kind comments. I'm sorry it took me so long to finish this chapter. I hope it was worth the wait!

** SATURDAY **

_Flowing curtains hung from the ceiling to the floor all around him. Some appeared to be made of satin, others of velvet or delicate lace. All were deep shades of red. The drapery fluttered in a gentle breeze that Even couldn’t feel, and his steps echoed as he walked through them. He wasn’t sure how long he had been walking, but he desperately needed to get to the next room. Finally, he noticed a narrow glass door a few steps ahead of him. Behind it were familiar figures, people he loved, though he couldn’t identify any of them. He pressed through the curtains that seemed to block his path more and more aggressively. Some were wrapping themselves around him as though trying to trap him. He took the final step to the door with great difficulty and reached for the handle - only there was no handle. He beat on the glass with the palm of his hand. The thumps echoed through the chamber he was in, but no one on the other side seemed to hear. One heavy veil tightened like a rope around his neck, coarse and bristling, leaving him gasping for breath. He could faintly make out Isak’s smiling face behind the glass. He tried to make a sound but his throat felt dry and he felt himself drowning_

Even opened his eyes. He was wrapped in a heavy comforter in Isak’s bed. He lifted his gaze to see Isak lying next to him, watching him. Even felt a lump in his throat.

“Hi,” Isak said softly.

“Hi,” Even replied and looked around the room. Bright sunlight was coming in from the window. He had slept too long.

“Hungry?” Isak’s voice sounded croaky. Even wondered how long he had been lying there, awake, watching him.

“What time is it?” He chanced a glance at Isak.

“Around 10:30 or something.”

 _Shit_. He had felt so desperate the night before that he hadn’t considered what would happen after he allowed Isak to take him home. 

“I should leave.”

“Why?” 

“Because I don’t want you to lie here and feel like you have to look after me,” Even said plainly.

“I don’t feel like I’m looking after you.”

Even took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He couldn’t do this right now.

“And why,” Isak started again, “why is that wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong with it.” Even couldn’t bear even looking at Isak. “I just can’t stand that you lie here all sad.”

“I’m not sad.”

Why was Isak making this even harder than it already was? Did he really have to spell it out for him?

“I just know that this isn’t going to work out,” he finally said.

“Why do you say that?” Isak really wasn’t making this easy.

“Because it’s true,” Even answered, looking up at Isak, but it was too much, and he quickly averted his gaze. He paused for a moment, gathering up the strength to face Isak again. Isak needed to see that he meant this. “I’m just going to… hurt you. And then you’ll hate me.”

_The only way to have something forever is by losing it._

Even tried to muster the energy to move, but his body felt stiff and heavy. He needed to go. Now. 

“No,” he heard Isak say, sounding almost indignant. “You don’t know shit about how this is going to end.”

He seemed angry. This was not the response Even had expected. He was better prepared for pity or guilt. But Isak looked at him intently, steadily, with furrowed brow and a sharp gleam in his eyes, before resuming.

“I mean, we might get a nuclear bomb dropped on our heads tomorrow and… and then discussing this is just a waste of time, so I suggest that you just screw talking about the future, and then the two of us will just take this thing completely chill.”

Even didn’t know how to respond. It was very unlikely that a nuclear bomb would drop on their heads tomorrow. But Isak still had a point. Maybe he could just… wait.

“Let’s play a game,” Isak persisted after a brief pause.

“It goes like this: it’s called ‘Isak and Even: Minute by Minute.’ It uh…” Isak moved his arm slowly to gently caress Even’s face. “It’s about how the only thing we need to worry about is the next minute.”

Even supposed he could do that. He could handle a minute.

“You up for it?” Isak asked.

“Okay.” If Isak was making it this hard to argue, then Even might as well let him make the decisions for a while. “What should we do this minute then?”

“This minute we’ll kiss,” Isak said resolutely.

Even almost felt a smile form on his face. One minute of kissing Isak did not sound terrible.

“That’s chill,” he said.

“That’s chill,” Isak repeated, stroking his hair. He leaned in closer, pressing their noses together for a moment before kissing him.    

It felt nice. Most of Even was still tearing at him in agony, but Isak’s lips, his warmth, his care… felt nice.

 

 

** SUNDAY **

They took it minute by minute for the rest of the weekend. Even slept as much as his mind would allow, and every time he woke up, Isak was right there, doing homework or playing on his laptop. If he noticed Even wake up, he’d reach over and stroke his hair gently. It was easier, not having to do or think at all. Isak made sure he ate and generally took care of Even. Minute by minute, hour by hour, until the weekend had passed.

 

 

** MONDAY **

Isak had to go to school on Monday, and Even was glad to know that he wasn’t disrupting his life too much. When he woke up late Monday morning, however, the world rushed at him again. He could hear the muffled sound of Eskild’s voice through the open bedroom door. He sat up, wondering if he should leave. As he looked over at Isak’s pillow, he noticed a yellow post-it note. On it was just a small heart, drawn in blue pen, and the words “in this universe.”

“Hi, hello, good morning!” Even looked up to see Eskild leaning on the door frame with a big smile on his face.

“Hi,” Even said, feeling somewhat amused but also annoyed.

“Are you hungry?” Eskild asked but kept talking without waiting for an answer. “I’ll make you some toast. With jam. Do you like brown cheese? You know what, why don’t I just go make it and you can meet me in the living room?”

Even nodded. He let Eskild decide how they spent the morning.

 

Around 1pm, Noora came home, and Even took the opportunity to go back to Isak’s bedroom. He slept until Isak came home.

 

 

 

** TUESDAY **

Though he had had a pleasant time with Isak the previous night, even going out for kebabs, Even woke up with an overwhelming sense of dread the following morning. His head felt heavy, and pressure kept building behind his eyes. He thought he might feel better if he cried, but no tears came.

Noora came in to check on him several times throughout the day. Even couldn’t even try to pretend he was ok or take Noora’s feelings into consideration. He never left the bed, wondering if Isak had asked his roommates to look after him like a pathetic child.

 

Isak seemed worried when he returned home from school. He lay next to Even for a long time, just tenderly running his fingers through Even’s hair.

“Wanna watch a movie?” he asked after a while.

“Nah,” Even said quietly. He didn’t want to do anything.

“C’mon, you can choose the movie.” Isak insisted, lightly bopping Even’s nose with his finger. “Here’s your chance to make me watch whatever you want.”

Even didn’t reply. He couldn’t think of a single movie.

“What’s the princess Vivien one?” Isak asked. “Did you say that was _Pretty Woman_? Should we watch that?”

Even looked up at him and nodded.

 

He didn’t really pay attention to the movie, which was fine since he’d seen it so many times. Instead, he kept stealing glances at Isak to see if he liked it.

 

> “So what happens after he climbs up and rescues her?” Richard Gere spoke his final lines of the movie as Julia Roberts beamed at him.
> 
> “She rescues him right back,” she said.

 

Even felt Isak scoot slightly closer to him and reach for his hand, squeezing it gently before intertwining his fingers with Even’s.

 

 

 

** WEDNESDAY **

Wednesday didn’t feel quite as heavy. Even even managed to take a shower. It appeared to be Linn’s turn to watch him, but rather than being annoyed, Even thought it was kinda sweet of Isak and his roommates to do this.

“Are you hungry?” she had asked as soon as Even stepped into the living room.

“Kinda… I guess,” he shrugged.

“If I try to fix you something real, it’ll taste like shit,” Linn said, biting her bottom lip. “Maybe we can make some toast?”

Even chuckled.

“Yeah,” he said with a raise of the eyebrows. “I can even do that myself.”

 

Linn watched Even as he toasted a slice of bread and spread a bit of butter on it. He glanced over at her, and she looked away.

“Uh… Even?” she said, looking back at him. “Can I ask you a question? It’s totally cool if you don’t wanna talk about it, I’m just, I dunno…” Her voice trailed off.

“Go for it,” Even said, wondering where this was going.

“You’re bipolar, right? I-I mean, obviously yes, I know you’re bipolar, but um…” Linn was stumbling all over her words.

“Yeah.”

She took a deep breath and spoke more calmly, “I was just wondering, what does it… what does it feel like?”

 _How do you even answer a question like that?_   Aside from the fact that language isn't exactly adequate to describe what it's like to be mentally ill, the thought of trying to convey it to someone only reminded Even that it was impossible to not be alone. 

“I just mean,” Linn spoke again, “I think maybe I am too? And like, how do I know? I mean, I’ve never done anything really weird, I mean, not that you did anything weird, I just mean, I’ve spent days in bed. I- I know how it feels when nothing matters... Sometimes I.. I just _know_ that everything is going to hell, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And…”

She shrugged and stopped talking abruptly.

“Well... people with bipolar disorder have both manic and depressive episodes,” Even said after a while. “It sounds like it’s just depression for you… I don’t mean ‘just’ as in _just_ ,” he quickly clarified. “The depression is the bad part, you know? At least for me. Mania is worse for your family and friends, I think. Or... I don't know. I only know how I feel.”

“How do you stop it?” Linn sounded earnest, dropping her sardonic façade for a moment.

“I think you just take it minute by minute,” Even said. “It helps to know you’re not alone... Kinda. But I think, if it doesn’t pass, drugs can help. Both prescribed and illicit!”

Linn laughed.

“No, but,” Even continued. “Just… let people help you.”

It sounded so simple when it was for someone else. Even knew that there were no words that could alleviate Linn’s distress. It didn’t work that way.

“Do you wanna tell me more about it?” he asked. At the very least, he could provide understanding.

 

 

Funny how helping someone else made Even feel better. They talked for a while, at times discovering such similarities in their thoughts and feelings that it was unsettling. Comforting, too, though. By the time Isak came home, they had moved on to playing Fifa, and Even was pleasantly surprised by Linn’s foul mouth and aggression towards the players in the game. For a short while, he had almost forgotten to hurt.

He greeted Isak with such a tone of enthusiasm that he was surprised at it himself. He was just really glad to see him. As Linn left, Isak walked over and kissed him, Even letting them fall backwards onto the bed.

“Everything okay?” Isak looked at him inquisitively as they lay side by side.

“Did you... ask all your roomies to look after me?” Even asked.

“Hm?” Isak furrowed his brows slightly and laughed it off. “No!”

It wasn’t very convincing.

“Holy fuck, you’re such a bad liar!” Even laughed.

“Huh? I’m a bad liar??” Isak's eyes lit up and a smile sculpted angular creases on his cheeks.

“Yeah!”

“I’m a bad liar? I’m the fucking master liar. No one’s a better liar than me!” Isak boasted brazenly. “I mean, you have no idea what I’ve gotten away with.”

“Well, tell me,” Even chuckled. “What have you gotten away with?”

"I mean," Isak put on his serious face for a moment, making him laugh for real. "You don't wanna know."

A crooked smile stretched across Isak's face as he watched Even. He reached out his hand and rested his thumb on Even’s chin for a moment.

Even still couldn’t understand how this boy could make him feel so much with just one touch.

“I like seeing you laugh,” Isak said.

The feeling was mutual.

A call from Vilde interrupted the moment, but Isak rejected it, turning back to Even.

“Holy fuck, Vilde…” he said. “Nagging me so fucking much about that kose-group stuff.”

“The kose-group!” Even smiled. “I’d completely forgotten about it.”

“Yeah, don’t tell her that, ‘cause she’ll get pissed. She’s terrified people just joined for the revue parties or something.”

_Ha._

“Well, I was there to meet you,” Even said, wondering why Isak had joined.

“Hm? Seriously?” Isak seemed genuinely surprised.

“Yeah, did you think I was there to have fun?”

Still in disbelief, Isak asked “had you seen me before the first kose-meeting?”

“Yeah,” Even confessed. “I saw you the first day of school.”

He still found it funny that he had somehow managed to give Isak the impression that he was cool and distant rather than desperately pining after him.

“Whoa…” Isak said, the corner of his mouth tugging his lips into a small smile. Even wondered if Isak had any idea how badly he was in love with him. It was heartbreaking to see how hard it was for Isak to believe that he was loved.

Isak’s phone started buzzing again, and this time, with a cute little groan and a roll of his eyes, he answered it. Vilde seemed to be asking if they had a Christmas tree, but that was as much as Even could gather.

“Christmas tree?” he asked after Isak hung up the phone.

“Yeah, I haven’t told you… Speaking of the kose-group, I’ll be hosting a Christmas get-together here on Friday.”

“Here?” Even felt his heart drop. “Friday?”

“Do you wanna come?” Isak asked gently.

“I uh…” It wasn’t easy to think of an excuse when Even’s mind was overtaken with sheer panic. “I’ve actually promised my mom that… I talked to her today. And she really wanted me to stop by at home,” this much was true. “To eat and stuff. Or, I don’t know… I was thinking maybe I’ll just stay there for a while.”

Though staying with his parents wasn’t ideal, it was better than having Isak babysit him around all his friends.

“Just take it one day at a time,” Isak said simply.

It was soothing, knowing that he wasn’t expecting a decision or an answer; that, in spite of Even’s spectacularly bad attempt at a casual excuse, Isak wasn’t going to push or prod or try to tell him what to do.

Even leaned in and kissed Isak softly. He couldn’t imagine how he could have deserved a boyfriend like this.

 

 

 

** FRIDAY **

Isak came home early on Friday, and they went for a walk together. He took Even’s hand in his own, and though he was noticeably anxious about holding hands with a guy in public, he didn’t let go, except to take a selfie of them and post it on Instagram.

Isak started prepping the apartment for the party later that afternoon, but not before suggesting that Even stay, with the option of hiding out in his bedroom if he didn’t feel like dealing with people. It sounded perfect.

 

Even sat at the edge of Isak’s bed, trying to play Fifa, but he kept getting distracted by the voices coming from the living room as people started arriving. He set down the controller and wondered if he should go out there.

A soft buzzing came from his phone, and Even answered. It was his mom. They hadn’t really talked except through texts, since he’d left her house a week ago. Though she started the phone call with a tone of fearful concern, she seemed to perk up as Even told her about his week.

“I think it’s getting better,” he was saying. “I’ll come visit soon. And Isak is taking good care of me here.”

“Good. You sound better..." she said. "So how about tomorrow? You could stop by for lunch… and maybe you could bring Isak? I think it’s time I met him, don’t you?”

Even let out a small chuckle. Surprisingly, that didn’t sound bad.

 

As he opened the door of the bedroom, he heard familiar voices, including Isak, coming from the kitchen. Isak's foursome were standing around, drinking beer. Even noticed Magnus’s amazing red and green Christmas sweater as he went to join them.

“Hello,” he said, and Isak beamed at him. “What’s up?”

“We’re helping Magnus bang Vilde,” Isak said.

 _Of course they were._ “How’s that going?”

“He just shouldn’t be so desperate, and then I think he’s got it,” Mahdi said, and the boys all joined in, advising Magnus to play it cool – like James Bond, who Even always thought was kind of a giant dick.

“You know what, Magnus,” he chimed in. “I just think you should go all in and be more yourself. Take desperate to a new level.”

“What do you mean?” Isak asked, and Even thought back on taking all the paper towels to get Isak to talk to him. It sure had worked for him.

“Well, show her just how desperate you really are then.”

“Go all out!” Mahdi agreed with that big smile of his.

“Take desperate to a new level… Fuck, I’m gonna do this,” Magnus said, leaving the kitchen. Jonas and Mahdi followed.

Finally alone with Isak again, Even approached him and, putting his hand on Isak’s waist, leaned in for a kiss.

“How’s it going?” Isak asked. Even was a little tired of the question.

“I’m fine,” he said. It was mostly true. He wasn’t the-hills-are-alive-with-the-sound-of-music fine, but he was fine.

“I just talked to my mom, and…” he changed the topic, “the reason she’s nagging is that she really wants to meet you.”

He observed Isak’s reaction carefully. Isak seemed taken aback but did his best to act nonplussed.

“So,” Even continued, “what do you say we drop by tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Isak said almost immediately. Even couldn’t quite read his face, but he didn’t seem averse to the idea of meeting the parents. “Yeah!”

“You don’t think that it’s awkward?” Even asked.

“Nah, I don’t find anything awkward anymore.”

“Okay,” it had been a while since Even had felt this excited about something. He turned to his phone and immediately texted his mom, letting her know they were coming over for lunch the next day.

“As long as you’re smiling,” Isak started. “And uh…”

“I can do that.”

“And wearing clothes, then…” he added, with that downturned smile he sometimes did. “Then life’s chill.”

Even pressed send and turned his attention back to Isak, smiling.

“I promise I’ll wear clothes.”

 They kissed for a moment, Even buzzing a little from it all.

 

“Hey,” Sana interrupted them when she entered the kitchen.

“Sana!” Isak greeted her cheerfully. “You’ve met one another, right?”

“Kose-group,” Sana answered with a small nod towards Even.

“Mhmm, yeah.”

“My biology partner,” Isak said, adding, “and friend.”

It turned out that Sana had a Christmas present for Isak. She handed him a tiny gift bag, and Isak opened it, revealing a small bag of weed.

“What a cool biology partner,” Even said, taking the bag from Isak and examining it.

He was just about to open it when Sana left, but Isak snatched it out of his hand.

“You’re not getting any of it,” he said.

 _Oh come on_.

“It’s not good for you,” Isak insisted.

“It’s not good for you either!” Even said, pushing Isak’s shoulder playfully.

Isak scoffed.

“It’s completely fine for me, but not for you,” he said.

“Are you gonna be the one to tell me what’s good for me?” Even asked, trying to show Isak that he didn’t want a babysitter without being harsh with him.

“Of course I am!” Isak responded instantly. “It’s my job.”

“You’ve got a job?”

“Yeah, it’s literally my job. It’s uh, that’s why I’m doing this, you know,” Isak kept going. “I found this poster on Lokka, that said ‘Even Bech Næsheim needs a support person and boyfriend’.”

Even laughed. “And then you applied?”

“Yeah,” Isak said. “I thought, holy fuck, he’s hot!”

Even couldn’t help but kiss him again.

“That was nice,” he said, running his fingers along Isak’s face and hair. “You’re so nice.”

“I could’ve done it for free,” Isak added. “But it’s nice getting a…”

“You’re getting paid?!” Even played along.

“Yeah, your mom pays me 500 a week.”

“What!” feigning surprise, Even playfully pushed Isak’s shoulder again. “Are you kidding me?”

“No wonder she wants to ‘meet’ me,” Isak joked, unable to keep a straight face anymore.

“Holy fuck!” Even said. “I’m getting some of that money.”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“It’s my money. You’re not getting any of it.”

They kissed again, Even using the opportunity to try and steal the bag of weed from Isak’s hand - unsuccessfully.

 

They joined the rest of the party shortly thereafter, and Even found it surprisingly easy to chat with people. No one was treating him any differently, though he knew that the rumor of his episode must have spread.

Eskild was, as usual, going all out, dressed in glittery tights and even wearing some mascara. Even helped him hang mistletoe above a doorway. He really liked Eskild.

Even glanced over at Isak, who was decorating an ornament while talking to one of the main kose-group girls. He was pleased to discover that Isak was, once again, staring at him. But this time, he didn’t avert his gaze, and they exchanged a meaningful look, both smiling, across the room.

Maybe this could work out after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing a brief coda chapter to end this with, and I'm planning on finishing and posting it tomorrow.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! Here's a short coda.

 

 

**SATURDAY**

“Do you have to do family stuff tomorrow?” Isak asked, raising his eyes from the laptop in front of him and turning to glance over at Even.

They were both sitting on Isak’s bed, each doing his own thing. With a small smile, Even angled his notebook in such a way that Isak couldn’t see what was in it and continued drawing.

“Oh, c’mon!” Isak sighed and leaned back dramatically, bumping his head against the wall slightly. “I’m gonna see it sooner or later.”

The corners of his lips stretched into that squiggly line that indicated amused annoyance. Even pursed his lips a little, ignoring the request.

“Yeah, I told my mom I would go over for Christmas lunch,” he said. “Why? You wanna come?”

“Two family lunches in one week?” Isak raised his eyebrows. “Don’t you think we’re moving too fast?”

Even chuckled, “Hey, you’re the one who made us facebook official. That changes everything.”

“Shit, I fucked up!”

Even bumped Isak’s shoulder gently with his own, “You’re stuck with me now.”

“I guess that’s alright…” Isak hesitated before continuing: “But, uh… I’ve been thinking about calling my mom. I think she’d like it if I spent Christmas with her.”

“Yeah?” Even rested his notebook against his chest and gave Isak his full attention.

Isak nodded and cleared his throat. “Turns out my life isn't better without mentally ill people in it,” he said casually, quickly looking down at his laptop and pretending to be busy. Even looked at him in silence for a moment. He didn’t know what to say.

 

“So, anyway,” Isak said cheerily, “should we exchange presents now then?”

They had agreed to not buy each other presents but to gift one another something they already had. As far as Even was concerned, this - just being here with Isak, having this conversation - was all the present he needed. He was a little nervous about giving Isak his gift, as he had spent quite a long time rummaging through his mother’s house to find it, and now it suddenly seemed kind of silly. His mom was a bit flustered by his sudden need for specifically yellow curtains. But he insisted that he had had them in his room as a kid, so she helped look for them.

He leaned over and reached into his backpack by the bed, as Isak jumped up and went over to dig something out of his dresser.

“Merry Christmas,” Isak said as he sat back down and tossed a very small, crinkly, blue pouch in Even’s lap.

“Merry Christmas,” Even handed over a thin package wrapped in soft paper.

They opened the presents at the same time, Even trying not to damage his gift’s wrapping, while Isak tore through his impatiently. Even was still struggling with getting the unknown item out of its thin foil container, as Isak stood up, holding the curtain at chin level and letting it unravel to the floor. He let out a soft “ha!” and grinned.

“Yellow curtain,” he laughed, before sitting back down and stroking the soft fabric in his hands.

“I just thought,” Even shrugged slightly, “maybe we can be the directors of our own, um… parallel universe, I guess.”

“I like that,” Isak said, finally looking up at him, and leaning in for a kiss.

Their lips met softly, chastely, and Even felt… safe. He hadn’t even realized that he had been waiting for things to fall apart ever since he fell for Isak, and, now, at last, he could breathe. Isak had seen the worst of him, and not only had he not run away, he embraced it. And it didn’t matter if it would last forever, because right now, this minute, it was perfect.

“Your turn,” Isak whispered as their lips parted.

Even shook the now open little package, and into his hand fell a small clear bag of weed. His eyebrows jumped up and his mouth slowly stretched into a wide smile.

“I thought you said it wasn’t good for me,” he looked up at Isak.

“It’s not!” Isak asserted. “But your mom stopped paying me, so…”

Even laughed.

“No, but… I figure it’s your choice to make. And everyone, you know, _we all_ do things that are bad for us. And as long as we’re not doing them all the time and hurting people around us, it’s… I think it’s fine.” He glanced up at Even. “You know?”

Even brushed a lock of hair away from Isak’s forehead. “You’re the perfect boyfriend, you know that?”

Isak cocked his head a bit as he looked up. “I’ve been told that before.”

“Asshole!” Even grinned.

“Nah,” Isak said softly. “I've never even been with anyone I like before.”

“So, listen,” Even scooted closer to him. “Are there any bad-for-us things you'd like to do,” he raised his eyebrows, “in moderation, of course...”

“Of course,” Isak echoed, nodding knowingly.

“That I can help you with?”

Isak leaned in, gently brushing his nose across Even’s cheek.

“I’ll show you,” he whispered.

 

**************

BONUS: unlike Isak, you get a sneak peek of Even's notebook

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Please don't use the image without credit. It took forever!)


End file.
